The Batlord

The Return of the Kings of Metal: Part V continued...

` ` `"Well, whatever the fuck is going on," I declared, "Now we know who the enemy is, and now it's time to properly wreck Tipper Gore's shit!"

` ` `"That-"

` ` `"Yeah, yeah, we know, Kerry," I interrupted, "Tipper Gore is indeed a bitch." Turning to the oracles I inquired, "Great ones, where can we find this poseur skank?"

` ` `"First you must go east across the Desert of Nephren-ka and come to the Mountains of Madness," replied Al Cisneros, "Beyond is the haunted Dunwich Forest, which you must cross to reach the city of Innsmouth. From there you must travel by boat to the forbidden island of Thergothon. It is there that you shall find R'lyeh, the false metal tower of the poseur sorceress. It is there that your journey shall end."

` ` `"Wait, wait, wait!" cried Joey, "Mountains of Madness? Dunwich Forest? Forbidden island of Thergothon? R'lyeh?! Just how much can you rip off Lovecraft? Whoever named these places sounds like a fucking moron."

` ` `"Shut up, Joey," I said.

` ` `Turning my attention back to the oracles I addressed them, "Dudes, we can't thank you enough for your help, and I promise that we will never forget Metaliana. Now we have to go kick some fucking poseur ass. Peace out."

` ` `But as we turned to depart, Chris Hakius leveled his finger at me, "Never has there been a True Metalhead the likes of those that once walked the streets of Kadath. But within you is reborn the spirit of the king. Within you resides the most powerful affinity for True Metal that has walked the Earth for millenia. The First sees this and ever is his eye upon you. One day, there shall be a reckoning, and you and he shall meet again on the field of battle to decide the fate of True Metal, and this time one of you shall perish forever."

` ` `And then the oracles spoke no more.

` ` `With many questions left unanswered, we had little choice but to turn around and go back from whence we came. We passed again the gilded doors, we passed the wall carvings whose scenes now seemed as tragic as they had once seemed grand, we passed the great statues still weakly glimmering with the Light of True Metal, all the while longing to see them ablaze with Light as they had been thousands of years ago, and finally we came to the staircase, which we had left less than an hour ago, though it felt like an eternity.

` ` `"Je-sus," remarked Joey while we were ascending the staircase, "What a mind job."

` ` `"Indeed," replied Oscar sadly, "Never had I dreamed that such magnificence had ever existed. Or that it could be turned into such nightmare."

` ` `"No, I mean that this douche could be some kinda True Metal chosen one," he quipped, jerking his thumb at me, "Dude can't even stand up to his psycho bitch wife."

` ` `"Shut up, Joey," I snapped, "And if you wanna start sucking my dick from the back then be my guest. Otherwise I'm willing to put up with my psycho bitch wife."

` ` `"You should not speak so of your lady wife," scolded Oscar, "A Truer Metalhead you shall never find. Her devotion rivals even your own, my friend."

` ` `"Yeah," said Kerry, "Remember when she broke that dude's jaw in the pit at that Autopsy show?"

` ` `"Hey, that was me!" yelled Joey.

` ` `"I know," chortled Kerry, "That shit was awesome!"

` ` `Joey silently fumed as we all pointed and laughed at him.

` ` `We were still chuckling as we reached the top of the staircase and emerged into the pre-dawn light of the desert. "It appears that we have been away for longer than we had believed," observed Oscar.

` ` `"It appears so," I replied, "Fuck me, I was hoping to get a few hours shut eye and maybe rub one out before we had to leave." At the very least I could finally have a cigarette, but before I could grab for my pack, Joey, as always, had something to say...

` ` `"Uh...dude?" asked Joey.

` ` `"Yeah?"

` ` `"We have to get to the Mountains of Madness, right?"

` ` `"Yeah."

` ` `"And to get there we have to get across the desert, right?"

` ` `"Yeah."

` ` `"And the desert's still filled with sandworms, right?"

` ` `"...Yeah."

` ` `"So we're still just as fucked as before, right?"

` ` `"...Fuck me."

` ` `Then, seemingly from every direction at once, erupted a woman's wild, scornful laughter, "What fools these brainless apes be! Defeated by annelids! It seems that that the only things that True Metalheads are good for are growing unfortunate facial hair and mating with overweight women in need of father figures."

` ` `The insults had hit rather close to home, but that bitch didn't need to know that.

` ` `"Hey!" retorted Kerry, "My beard is fortunate as hell! Do you have any idea just how many fine ass bitches would love to sit on my chine?"

` ` `Frantically we scoured the area in every direction for the source of the voice, but it seemed to be coming from out of thin air. "Show yourself!" challenged Oscar, "You are brave enough to hurl insults while hiding like a rat! Let us see if you have the mettle to do so to our faces!"

` ` `"As you wish, ape," replied the voice with contempt, "But if you'll forgive me, I have more pressing matters to deal with than conversing with cretins, so we'll have to do this by...Skype."

` ` `No sooner had her smug tittering died when suddenly the desert in front of the rocky outcropping where we stood erupted into a rapidly intensifying maelstrom of sand. Wailing, gale-force winds buffeted us mercilessly with dust and grit, forcing us to desperately throw our arms over our faces in a vain attempt to protect ourselves.

` ` `"You sure told her, Oscar!" cried Joey over the shrieking winds, "Way to bring the hammer down!"

` ` `"Be silent, Joseph!"

` ` `Soon the sandstorm died down, leaving only a thin sandspout no wider than a man swirling in front of us. And floating in the middle was a crude face fashioned out of sand that sneered at us in amused scorn. "Is this more to your satisfaction, my sweet little troglodytes?" mocked the voice, "Please forgive the dramatics, but I'm sure that any True Metalhead of the Highest Caliber should be used to a face full of powder."

` ` `"Damn fucking right, bitch!" I countered, spitting out a mouthful of dirt and wiping sand from my eyes, "I'm guessing you're Tipper fucking Gore?"

` ` `"I see you have been hearing tales from Braindead Fred and Piss-Test Dread Ned," replied the sorceress in amusement, "I am indeed she, and I am indeed the one who has raised the poseur army, and I am indeed the one who shall soon grind your pathetic little kingdom into the dust, and I would like to know what you intend to do about it," she finished with a contemptuous smirk.

` ` `"Well, first and foremost I think we're gonna kill the fuck outta you", I casually retorted, "And then it'll be time to do away your bitchass master. After that I imagine I'll be needing a blow job and a pizza."

` ` `The sorceress hooted with laughter, "'Do away'?! With the First?! Have you been dropped on your head one too many times crowd surfing? Even the greatest, or at least the least pathetic of your kind, couldn't 'do away' with my master. Do you really think that trash such as you stand a chance?"

` ` `"Hey! One man's trash is another man's treasure!" Joey shot back, "And we're gonna fucking bury you!"

` ` `"Um, Joey..." I said, looking at him in puzzlement, "I'm pretty sure it's the treasure that gets buried."

` ` `"Man, why're you siding with her?"

` ` `"Why are you so stupid?"

` ` `"Shut up!"

` ` `"Fuck off!"

` ` `Snorting in derision, Tipper Gore declared, "Well, I'm certainly shaking in my boots now. But I certainly wouldn't want to see such 'determination' end up in the gullet of a sandworm, so I'm going to be magnanimous and give you all a 'helping hand'."

` ` `"The fuck are you talking about, you old whore?" I asked suspiciously.

` ` `"I'm going to give you...a lift," she replied with a chuckle, "I believe you are headed to the Mountains of Madness, correct? I'm such a wonderful person that I'm going to help you cross the desert."

` ` `And suddenly the sandstorm returned with even greater violence than before, surging wildly around us, but this time we were in the center of the maelstrom.

` ` `Cackling with demented glee, Tipper Gore called to us over the keening winds, "Don't worry, my little alcoholic chimps! You're in good hands, so to speak! Is there anything that you would like to say before we part?"

` ` `"Yeah!" I retorted, arms thrown over my face, "Tell your husband I like to take thirty-minute showers and leave the lights on even if I'm not in the room!"

` ` `Her burst of scornful laughter was drowned out as the winds began to intensify even further. I tried to find my companions in the tempest of sand, but I could barely even walk through the ever-strengthening gusts. Soon I was nearly unable to stand when a furious burst of wind hurled me into the air, but rather than hit the ground I was swept up into the vortex and tossed about like a ragdoll, rising higher and higher into the air.
` ` `I quickly became disoriented as I was being violently flung to and fro in the storm, and the contents of my stomach were emptied into the sand. Slowly I began to lose consciousness as all of the blood in my body shot to my brain, and the last thing I remembered before everything went black were the gales of cackling laughter of Tipper Gore.

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