The Batlord

The Return of the Kings of Metal: Part VI

` ` `I awoke to the musical warbling of a myriad of birds, the sweet smell of fresh and rotting vegetation, and the feel of warm sunlight caressing my closed eyelids. Blinking against the glare, I opened my eyes and saw that I was staring up at a crystal blue sky through a veil of pine branches. The extreme heat and cold of the desert had been replaced by an invigorating chill. I slowly sat up with a groan at my stiff, aching muscles, and surveyed my surroundings: I appeared to be laying on a blanket of dirt, grass, and pine needles on the gentle slope of a thickly-wooded hillside, though the screen of trees blocking out much of the view made it hard to be sure.

` ` `Alas, there were no slutty farmgirls in sight.

` ` `Laying about me, unconscious, were my companions, Oscar and Kerry. And Joey. Unfortunately. Quickly, I roused them, shaking Oscar and Kerry, and throwing dirt at Joey until he awoke, thrashing and cursing my name.

` ` `"Where the fuck are we?" asked Joey, standing up groggily, and spitting out a mouthful of dirt.

` ` `"If I was to hazard a guess," replied Oscar, "I would say that Tipper Gore has dropped us into the Mountains of Madness as she promised."

` ` `"Why the fuck would she do that?" demanded Kerry in puzzlement, "She's a fucking poseur."

` ` `"Cause she doesn't give a fuck about us," I declared, "She wanted us to know that we are beneath her notice by putting us in her power and not destroying us. Tipper Whore is playing games with us."

` ` `"That bitch!"

` ` `"So what are we gonna do now?" inquired Joey.

` ` `"We proceed as planned," I replied.

` ` `"But isn't that, I don't know, kinda fucking retarded? If she knows we're coming, then isn't just going straight toward her gonna lead us into a deathtrap?"

` ` `"I'm with Joey," murmured Kerry, "There's no sense in just walking straight down the dragon's throat."

` ` `Smirking, I remarked to Kerry, "First the sandworms, and now some fucking witch? Don't tell me you're losing your nerve, you pussy."

` ` `With a glower, Kerry growled, "There's nothing wrong with being...cautious, when fucking with some shit. Shit that can eat a building and shit that can suck you into a fucking tornado count. I'm just saying, why not come up with a new plan?"

` ` `"Cause we don't have time for a new plan," I sighed, "We don't even have enough time for this 'plan' now that we've lost our horses. We don't even have enough fucking time to hang around here sucking each other's dicks, so let's make sure we have all our supplies and get the fuck out of here."

` ` `Joey and Kerry traded uncertain looks, but they still moved to check their baggage. "How the hell do we even have any supplies?" asked Joey, "Our horses must have run off with most of them, the river should have washed away or ruined the rest, and if by some miracle something had actually survived, then it should've been used up when we were in the desert for Dio knows how long."

` ` `"Shut up, Joey," I snapped.

` ` `"Don't tell me to shut up, you crusty old tampon! If I can keep making all this self-deprecating, fourth wall humor, then what does that say about this whole 'plan'? If we can't even figure out how to make provisions believable then how the hell are we gonna take down a sorceress? 'Don't have time' my ass! That just sounds like we're so concerned with making dumb metal jokes we can't even be bothered to come up with a plan better than, 'Alright, see this spot on the map labeled "Point A"? We'll use this as our starting point, and then make our way more or less in a straight line until we reach our objective, which shall henceforth be referred to as "Point B".'"

` ` `"Joey, shut the fuck up. You're fucking with forces best left unfucked with."

` ` `"Oh, what's gonna happen?" he taunted, throwing up his hands in mock horror, "Am I gonna meet an untimely death set to a Manowar song?"

` ` `Glaring daggers at Joey, I balled up my fists and stepped forward, intent on beating his ass into next payday, when Oscar stepped between us, holding up his hands to keep us apart, "Please, my friends," he soothed, "We have already had enough strife between us in the last two days. We must not fight amongst ourselves."

` ` `"He's right," remarked Joey, "This whole scene seems suspiciously familiar. Perhaps even a bit, I don't know...rehashed? Next, you'll be threatening me with some cheesy Anthrax reference."

` ` `Expressionless, my voice the whisper of steel, I lightly grasped Gram's hilt, "Shut up. I don't wanna hear your mouth. I am the law here, and if you wanna stay among the living then don't tell me how to do my job."

` ` `"Wow...I'm speechless."

` ` `This is over. Now hurry the fuck up and get your shit together," turning away from him, I addressed everyone, "We move out in five."

` ` `Dissent quieted for the moment, we set off to the top of the hill to survey the land around us. The summit was much less densely wooded than the slopes, and so when we reached it we were afforded a relatively unobstructed view. To the west were the sands of Nephren-Ka from whence we had come, now distant. Where it ended began the foothills of the Mountains of Madness; wooded, rolling mounds of earth that grew higher and steeper the farther east they crept. And immediately to the east, starting at the foot of the large hill where we stood, rose the towering heights of the Mountains of Madness. Shrouded in mist, and capped with snow and ice, they were an imposing obstacle made of jagged rock and unscalable cliffs that promised at the least great hardship...and possibly death.

` ` `Shading his eyes against the glare of the afternoon sun reflecting off of the snow cap of the nearest mountain, which towered menacingly over us, Oscar proclaimed, "Behold the Mountains of Madness. Their nearness to Nephren-Ka means that no trade routes exist through their few passes, so their primordial wilderness is largely unexplored and untamed. The dwarves, in ages past, once mined for gold in their reaches, but the veins have long since dried up, and the mountains have since swallowed up any trace of civilization. It is said that now they are infested with goblins...and worse. I suspect that our crossing shall be perilous."

` ` `"Dwarves? In Poland?" asked Joey, perplexed, "Or is this Belarus? Or maybe Ukraine? Nah, I'm pretty sure we're too far north to be in Ukraine. Still, I don't remember hearing about dwarves in any of those places. Maybe in Latvia..."

` ` `"Anyway," I growled, glaring sidelong at Joey, who pretended not to notice, "I don't see any passes around here, which means we're gonna have to scale that big motherfucker," I said, gazing up at the mountain, "There's no way I want to start going up that bitch in the dark, but we've lost too much daylight already today, so I wanna get as far as we can in whatever light we have left."

` ` `We made camp at the base of the hill, between it and the mountain, which we had dubbed "The Great Tit" in honor of Kerry's favorite songbird. Our sleep after Tipper Gore's "help" had evidently not been particularly restful, because we fell fast asleep almost immediately after a supper that was rather meager since our supplies were now apparently running low. At dawn, we awoke and quickly resumed our journey.
` ` `Our ascent began easily enough; the wooded lower slopes were pathless, but the undergrowth was relatively light, and the incline gentle. We made swift progress for the first hour or so, but soon, great stone crags began to block our path, forcing us to make long detours. As we climbed ever higher, the terrain became more and more rugged and steep, until it was all that we could do to make any headway through the maze of rocks. Eventually, we stumbled onto a cliff that rose almost straight upwards, soaring high above our heads, and blocking our path completely. Fearing that we would be forced to double back, we conducted a quick search of the surrounding area, and discovered a narrow shelf of rock that ran along the cliff on the left side, and abruptly dropped straight down into open space on the right, plunging hundreds of feet before terminating in a boulder-strewn ravine in-between this and another cliff. With no other choice, we cautiously stepped out onto the narrow ledge, our eyes averted from the dizzying drop to our right.
` ` `The shelf was even more treacherous than it had first appeared; it was barely five feet wide, and while we were able to walk without pressing ourselves against the sheer cliff face, strong, howling winds pulled at our clothes, and the uneven ground, which was weak and crumbling in places, meant that we had to be constantly aware of where we placed our feet.

` ` `"God damn it!" exclaimed Joey, about ten feet in front of me, "Why can't this be the Plains of Madness? There's always gotta some fucking desert or a mountain or a haunted forest. And what's with this cliff? This just seems like an obvious plot device for someone or something to fall or almost fall."

` ` `With an exasperated sigh, I rolled my eyes and reached into the left front breast pocket of my jean jacket for my cigarettes...but they weren't there. Nor were they in the right pocket, or the pockets of my jeans. In growing panic, I frantically searched every inch of my clothing, but they were nowhere to be found. "Where the fuck are my cigarettes?!" I raged.

` ` `"Oh, I think I have them," I heard from in front of me. Snapping my head up, I saw Joey holding up a beautifully sensual, red and white pack of Marlboro Red 100 cigarettes, and looking slightly unnerved by the feverish glint in my eyes. "You, uh...let me have them a little while ago when I asked you for a smoke. I...I guess I just forgot to hand them back. Sorry."

` ` `Give them to me," I growled, "Now."

` ` `"Um...sure," and then he made to toss them over to me.

` ` `"NO, DON'T!"

` ` `But it was too late. He lightly tossed them with an underhand throw, and, as if in slow motion, they ever-so-slowly sailed through the air towards me. I held out my hands to catch them, but just as they reached the top of their arc, a sudden gust of wind caught the cigarettes...and blew them out over the edge of the rocks. I watched in horror as they plummeted down and down, until they disappeared from my sight hundreds of feet below. I slowly craned my neck upwards, and fixed my eyes on Joey, gaping at him in shock and disbelief.

` ` `He was now looking downright alarmed under my blank stare, and offered up a weak smile.

` ` `"Oops?"

` ` `"Oops?" then set off a chain reaction, starting with my full return to the planet Earth, and ending with my hands forming into claws intent upon seizing Joey by the neck and hurling him off the side of the cliff, so that my ears might drink in the sound of his screams before they were abruptly cut off as his body was pulped against the rocks below.
` ` `But I was brought up short by Oscar, who, anticipating my reaction, had rushed up from behind me and was now restraining me as I kicked and spit, trying to escape, "Get the fuck off me! He must die for what he's done! They were innocent!"

` ` `"Please calm down, my friend!" pleaded Oscar, "This is neither the time nor the place for this. You will only kill the both of you!"

` ` `"I don't care! He dies!"

` ` `"Joseph!" cried Oscar, "Perhaps you should continue on and scout ahead while I attempt to calm him."

` ` `With a frightened nod of his head, Joey turned around without another word and scurried off down the path, occasionally casting fearful looks back over his shoulder, until he rounded a bend in the cliff and disappeared.

` ` `When he had scampered out of sight, my blinding rage deflated and I slumped in Oscar's grasp, sighing in resignation, "You can let me go now. Now the only thing I want is a smoke."

` ` `"Well," Kerry piped up from behind us, "I got one out of your pack from Joey earlier, and I was saving it, but it looks like you need it more than I do."

` ` `"Bless you," I breathed, in profound gratitude, as I accepted the cigarette from Kerry with trembling fingers after Oscar had released me. Holding it up, I passed it under my nose and inhaled the scent of rancid chocolate in ecstasy. Putting it reverently up to my lips, I raised my lighter to the tip and savored the moment of anticipation, before finally lighting the end and inhaling a hot cloud of pure joy into my lovingly charred lungs. I closed my eyes in rapture and held the smoke in for several long seconds, finally exhaling through my nose.

` ` `Is there anything more beautiful than a softly billowing cloud of cigarette smoke as it wafts through the crisp mountain air of a cloudless, blue day? No, there isn't.

` ` `Perhaps you were a tad...hard on Joseph," ventured Oscar, when I had returned to myself.

` ` `"Fuck that," I grumbled, "Dude dropped my last pack of smokes. My last pack! I've teabagged men for less. It's always something with that asshole. He always finds a new way to piss me the fuck off."

` ` `"He can certainly be...vexing," admitted Oscar, "But as with a younger brother, your ire shall soon pass. I only ask that you refrain from murder until then."

` ` `"I make no promises," I stated, "Well, we've wasted enough time on this bullshit. It's time we got this show back on the road."

` ` `Nodding, Kerry and Oscar followed me as we continued on our way. After nearly an hour, the ledge began to rise and widen, eventually reaching the top of the cliff, where there was a relatively level meadow full of dry, brown, waist-high grass, and numerous large, granite boulders. About fifty yards ahead, the meadow became a stand of trees that rose steeply before seeming to pass around the side of the mountain and come out on the other side. It seemed that we had finally reached the home stretch.

` ` `Until the next mountain.

` ` `In our relief, we almost failed to see the winged form lazily soaring high above our heads, obscured by the bright rays of the sun.

` ` `Shading his eyes, Kerry pointed up at the dark shape gliding in a circle over us, "Hey, what the fuck is that?"

` ` `"It appears to be a vulture," observed Oscar, squinting up, "Though its great height makes it difficult to be certain."

` ` `"Then that must be one big motherfucking vulture," I declared, putting my hand to Gram's hilt.

` ` `As we gazed up in trepidation, the flying creature slowly began to descend in wide circles, drawing closer and closer with every loop. Soon we were finally able to make out details; it was far larger than any vulture, and seemed to be at least forty feet long; rather than feathers, it was covered in a layer of dark green scales that glittered like emeralds in the sun; the pale green wings were like those of a massive bat, and fluttered in the wind like the sails of a ship; it had no front legs, but its powerful back legs ended in cruel talons that could easily pluck a man into the air in the blink of an eye; it ended in a wicked tail that was held stiffly out behind it, guiding its descent; and its head, at the end of a long, sinuous neck, was the triangular shape of a reptile, with rows of sword-like teeth in its mouth, and was topped with several six-foot long horns.




` ` `"That's a fucking wyvern," I murmured, eyes wide in shock, as it turned toward us and folded its wings against its long, scaly body, before abruptly plummeting through the air toward us like a comet.

` ` `"Run, you dumb cunts!" I screamed, sprinting for the nearest boulder, quickly followed by Kerry and Oscar.

` ` `At the last possible second, the wyvern spread its leathery wings with a snap as they caught air, bringing it out of its dive to glide through the air toward us. It then opened its jaws with a great intake of air and unleashed a torrent of flame down upon us as we cowered behind the rocks, raking the ground in a long line as it soared over our heads. The blast of burning wind that buffeted us at its passing only served to fan the searing blaze that was now consuming the desiccated grass like a tinderbox, blowing noxious smoke all around us.
` ` `Its strafing run complete, the wyvern let loose a bestial shriek of triumph that reverberated off the walls of mountains stone, before banking right and disappearing around an outcropping of rock.

` ` `"Sweet, merciful fuck!" I exclaimed, coughing and gasping for air in the choking fumes, "Is everybody okay?"

` ` `Oscar nodded, struggling for breath, and Kerry, putting out several embers that had nearly set his beard on fire, called out, "Fuck yeah! Finally something I can actually fight!"

` ` `"Good idea, Kerry!" I replied, "How about I lure the wyvern to the ground with several cutting remarks about its mother, and then you hit it in the head with an ax? It's brilliant!"

` ` `"Then what the fuck do you think we should do?" he growled.

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