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~~Cuthbert~~ · 10-19-2013, 01:53 PM

- When I was a kid, people used to cover me in chocolate & cream and stick a cherry on top of my head. Life was tough in the gateaux.

- A man was in bed with his Japanese girlfriend, when he happened to remark that her fanny was getting a bit baggy... she lost it and screamed, "You always CLITTYSIZING!!"

-I found a stack of my old porn mags in the loft, looking through them there was a massive spunk stain in one. I thought, "that's a blast from the past".

- Just watching African Nations Cup, Ethiopian fans singing "Who ate all the flies".

- Paddy and Murphy are on the cruise ship Costa Concordia. Paddy says "It's awfully quiet on deck tonight." Murphy says, "Everyone will be watching the band." Paddy: "There isn't a band playing tonight." Murphy: "I definitely heard someone say "a band on ship!"

- A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs. "It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again." "Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed. I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!" "Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag. After flushing them, he looked at me and said, "Well, show me your pocket then." "What for?" I asked. He said, "The drugs." I said, "What drugs?"

- I was sat in the tattoo parlour earlier when a butterfly flew past with a picture of a slag on it's wing.

- I was on a train this morning, in the loo. having a shit, when a voice called out "Can I see your ticket please?" "Not right now." I replied, "I'm having a shit."
"I don't believe you." Said the voice. "Slide it under the door." "No probs," I said. "The yellow bits are Sweetcorn"

- Whilst on holiday recently, I was asked to be a judge at a country fayre. I was in charge of picking "the nicest herb" and "the nicest German sausage made from herbs".
It was The Best of Thymes, it was The Wurst of Thymes.

- Alien walks into a bar. Landlord: "Are you an alien?" Alien: "I am yeah mate... why?" Landlord: "Well you're the first we've ever had in here". Alien: "Seriously?" Landlord: "Yeah deffo". Alien: "RIGHT! I'm getting the fucking drinks in! Everyone! Whatever they're having is on me". Landlord can't believe his luck and is serving for a good 45 minutes rubbing his hands he comes back to the alien at the bar. Landlord: "Right, that's two hundred and seventy six pounds & forty six pence please". Alien: "You got change for a blib-blob?"

10-19-2013, 01:53 PM	#449 (permalink)
~~Cuthbert~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Nov 2012 Location: The Black Country Posts: 8,827	- When I was a kid, people used to cover me in chocolate & cream and stick a cherry on top of my head. Life was tough in the gateaux. - A man was in bed with his Japanese girlfriend, when he happened to remark that her fanny was getting a bit baggy... she lost it and screamed, "You always CLITTYSIZING!!" -I found a stack of my old porn mags in the loft, looking through them there was a massive spunk stain in one. I thought, "that's a blast from the past". - Just watching African Nations Cup, Ethiopian fans singing "Who ate all the flies". - Paddy and Murphy are on the cruise ship Costa Concordia. Paddy says "It's awfully quiet on deck tonight." Murphy says, "Everyone will be watching the band." Paddy: "There isn't a band playing tonight." Murphy: "I definitely heard someone say "a band on ship!" - A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs. "It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again." "Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed. I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!" "Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag. After flushing them, he looked at me and said, "Well, show me your pocket then." "What for?" I asked. He said, "The drugs." I said, "What drugs?" - I was sat in the tattoo parlour earlier when a butterfly flew past with a picture of a slag on it's wing. - I was on a train this morning, in the loo. having a shit, when a voice called out "Can I see your ticket please?" "Not right now." I replied, "I'm having a shit." "I don't believe you." Said the voice. "Slide it under the door." "No probs," I said. "The yellow bits are Sweetcorn" - Whilst on holiday recently, I was asked to be a judge at a country fayre. I was in charge of picking "the nicest herb" and "the nicest German sausage made from herbs". It was The Best of Thymes, it was The Wurst of Thymes. - Alien walks into a bar. Landlord: "Are you an alien?" Alien: "I am yeah mate... why?" Landlord: "Well you're the first we've ever had in here". Alien: "Seriously?" Landlord: "Yeah deffo". Alien: "RIGHT! I'm getting the fucking drinks in! Everyone! Whatever they're having is on me". Landlord can't believe his luck and is serving for a good 45 minutes rubbing his hands he comes back to the alien at the bar. Landlord: "Right, that's two hundred and seventy six pounds & forty six pence please". Alien: "You got change for a blib-blob?"