Random Thoughts
Well, it has been a rough week for me. Exactly one week ago my mother was admitted to the hospital from her nursing home because she has Pneumonia. She also has MS and low white blood cell count. It is harder for her to fight off colds and flus. MS is a disease that attacks your central nervous system. It actually has your immune system attacking your own nervous system. Five years ago she had a stroke and while in the hospital some tests were done and they found out that she had MS as well. I dropped out of college to take care of her for a year or so before it became too overwhelming and I thought she would get better treatment in a nursing home. She can't communicate and is because trapped inside of her own body. Every time I went to the nursing home to visit her it always killed me that she was in that state. Can you imagine how that must feel to be stuck inside of your body and not be able to tell people how you are feeling or if you are in pain.
Fast Forward back to the present, I have gone to visit her every day in the hospital but her condition doesn't seem to be getting better. I'm holding out hope that she might be able to fight it but at the same time I have an ominous feeling. I haven't had a song hit me emotionally in awhile. I decided to listen to Kanye West's 808s and Heartbreaks two days ago and surprisingly it didn't do anything. I thought I would have been really connected to "Coldest Winter" but no dice. After listening to that I decided to go through Kanye's albums from the beginning enjoying ever minute of it until yesterday morning. I was on my way to open up the office and "Hey Mama" came on. I told myself that I'm so lucky that I'm wearing shades because it started raining on my face. Some idiot decided to cut up onions near me. The song touched me so much that my knees were weak and I almost just dropped to my knees and burst out into a full on cry fest. I had to push through the tears because I had five other people depending on me to open up the office and to run point for the day. I was running lead with getting everyone safely down to Harlem for a leadership meeting so I had to pull it together for the group. I had all the train tickets and the petty cash.
(Hey Mama), I wanna scream so loud for you, cause I'm so proud of you
Let me tell you what I'm about to do, (Hey Mama)
I know I act a fool but, I promise you I'm goin back to school
I appreciate what you allowed for me
I just want you to be proud of me (Hey Mama)
[Verse 1]
I wanna tell the whole world about a friend of mine
This little light of mine and I'm finna let it shine
I'm finna take yall back to them better times
I'm finna talk about my mama if yall don't mind
I was three years old, when you and I moved to the Chi
Late December, harsh winter gave me a cold
You fixed me up something that was good for my soul
Famous homemade chicken soup, can I have another bowl?
You work late nights just to keep on the lights
Mommy got me training wheels so I could keep on my bike
And you would give anything in this world
Michael Jackson leather and a glove, but didn't give me a curl
And you never put no man over me
And I love you for that mommy can't you see?
Seven years old, caught you with tears in your eyes
Cuz a nigga cheatin, telling you lies, then I started to cry
As we knelt on the kitchen floor
I said mommy I'mma love you till you don't hurt no more
And when I'm older, you ain't gotta work no more
And I'mma get you that mansion that we couldn't afford
See you're, unbreakable, unmistakable
Highly capable, lady that's makin loot
A livin legend too, just look at what heaven do
Send us an angel, and I thank you (Hey Mama)
[Hook]
[Verse 2]
Forrest Gump mama said, life is like a box of chocolates
My mama told me go to school, get your doctorate
Somethin to fall back on, you could profit with
But still supported me when I did the opposite
Now I feel like it's things I gotta get
Things I gotta do, just to prove to you
You was getting through, can the choir please
Give me a verse of "You, Are So Beautiful To Me"
Can't you see, you're like a book of poetry
Maya Angelou, Nikki Giovanni, turn one page and there's my mommy
Come on mommy just dance wit me, let the whole world see your dancing feet
Now when I say Hey, yall say Mama, now everybody answer me (Hey Mama)
[Hook]
[Bridge]
I guess it also depends though, if my ends low
Second they get up you gon get that Benzo
Tint the windows, ride around the city and let ya friends know (Hey Mama)
[Verse 3]
Tell your job you gotta fake em out
Since you brought me in this world, let me take you out
To a restaurant, upper echelon
Imma get you a jag, whatever else you want
Just tell me what kind of S-Type Donda West like?
Tell me the perfect color so I make it just right
It don't gotta be Mother's Day, or your birthday
For me to just call and say (Hey Mama)
I could relate him saying that I'm going back to school. My feels have been all over the place. If she ends up passing over, I have realized that she's my last parent around. I'm surprised that I have even been functioning this past week at all. Normally, I would just stay in my bed and sleep as much as possible to deal with this. Keeping myself active has worked out for me to not dwell on this situation too much and what I may have to do in the coming weeks.