KNOCK-KNOCK!
Y-ello? Who is it?
Goons!
Goons?
Hired goons!
What ---- umppffff!
Ah, excellent! Ah-hoy-hoy there, dead readers --- oh dear, did I make a typo? DID I? Please all remain where you are, there is no escape.
It’s about time you people had a real view on Christmas. This chair-moistener, er --- Smithers! (Trollheart, Sir) --- Ah yes, Trollheart --- has been spreading far too much Christmas cheer across his blasted journals, and I aim to stop it. Now you will learn the true meaning of Christmas, as I peruse the local televisual periodical for his wretched island home --- Ireland? What sort of a name for a country is that? --- and show you just how depressingly little there is on the electronic picture box this yuletide season. Yes, it’s true!
Come with me now as we throw aside all this ridiculous joy and peace, and discover jsut exactly how tedious, repetitive and boring the Christmas televisual fare is, this year and every year. Time to spend
So, what have we first? Let’s look, shall we, at the “run-up to Christmas” as they so charmingly call it. Since this dweeb lives in that backward island I can only take note of the drivel that will be clogging up his cheap flatscreen, taking valuable time away from playing Business Tycoon IV on Xbox, a pastime everyone should be involved in. Especially Deathmatch. Oh yes! The corporate world is a cut-throat business, you know! MWA-HA-HA-HAAAA!
Do excuse me, I get a little overwrought when I take on my “gamer persona”, as it were. Just don’t run foul of me near Wall Street, I warn you: my musket is rapid-fire: it can launch TWO projectiles within four minutes! Yes, I thought you’d be impressed. Just don’t push me, that’s all. Anyway, to the TV rag. They call it the RTE Guide? What in blue blazes is that? RTE? Really Terrible Entertainment, must be.
(Trollheart: It stands for Radio Teliefis Eireann, which is Irish for Radio and television of Ireland) --- What? How did you get back in? Where are my hired goons? Goons! Bah! Never mind: this button, properly pressed, will release the hounds, so I suggest you begin running…
Ah there he goes! Always amusing how they think they, with only two legs, can evade a four-legged --- well, there you have it. I suppose I’ll have to have that painted over. Again. Oh well. Where was I? Oh yes. To the periodical!
As I don’t intend to spend my youth (what? How dare you! I don’t look a day over ninety!) pandering to the likes of you, I won’t be doing this every day up to Christmas. Ah, employees don’t just fire themselves, you know, and someone has to make up those little packets that make it look like they’re getting a fat bonus when in fact there’s --- but I digress. Again. Let’s try --- this page!
Saturday December 21st eh? Well it’s the first page of the damn thing, and that makes it four days before Christmas Day, so why not? Let’s see then what sort of balderdash they’re throwing your way for you to lap up like the hungry animals you are --- ah, sorry! Just talking to the hounds there you know (not bloody likely!) --- they get so lonely, in between chasing trespassers and ripping them to --- ah! Here we are!
Coal, Frankenstein and Mirror: an Irish Nativity --- RTE One --- 11:45
Sounds jolly! Oh look how clever they were with the title. It’s supposed to be gold, frankincense and myrrh and they … yes I think we get the idea. What’s it about then? Damned if I know, but if you want to catch it you had better not be a slugabed: they’re showing it at 11:45. In the morning! Who’s up that early? It’s practically midnight! Bah! What else?
The Sting --- RTE One --- 15:30
Yes, jolly seventies caper starring that Newman chap and his friend Redford. Nominated for many Oscars. Probably. I don’t know! Go look it up if you’re so interested! I’ve better things to do!
Disney’s A Christmas Carol --- RTE One --- 18:30
Ah yes, the so-called “Big big movie”! One of no doubt a score or more of showings of Dickens’ classic, this time with little cartoon figures running around trying to learn the meaning of Christmas. Bah! Humbug! Totally biased against the poor old miser, just trying to protect his money from all the greedy Christmas carollers and annoying well-wishers this time of year. Always hated that movie! Hmm. This one stars that delightfully funny chap from “The Mask” --- Carrey is it? Drew Carrey? Something like that anyway. I’m sure you don’t care, I know I don’t! Next!
Could we survive a mega-tsunami? --- RTE Two --- 19:20
Not if I was in charge, we couldn’t! Well, you couldn’t: I’d be already long gone in the rocket ship Smithers is overseeing the final touches to in the --- ah, not that there is any rocket. Smithers? Who is Smithers? The blurb runs thusly: “Hollywood-style graphics and real-life archives bring home an imagined near-future scenario, all based on cutting edge science.” Hah! Sounds delightful: all those little people running for their lives while Mother Nature swamps and crushes them and destroys their homes! Now that’s the kind of Christmas I want to see! I’ll be “Sky-plussing” that. Whatever the devil that means. Smithers knows all about these technical doodads. Why do you think I keep him around? Anyhoo, this is on at the same time as the movie, so you’ll have to choose, or record one and watch the other. Or record both. Or watch neither. Do what the hell you like, I don't care! I know which I’ll be watching though!
A man for all seasons --- TG4 --- 1:00
Don’t even ask what TG4 stands for. All you need to know is that ninety percent of the programmes are in …
Irish! Oh stop it! My sides! They really will split. Again. That was most unpleasant for all concerned. But wait just a moment! Isn’t this just a cheap rip-off of my movie, “A Burns for all seasons”? How dare they! Smithers! Phone the studio immediately! What? Made in 1966 you say? I see. Have work commence on the time machine: we'll see who has the last laugh here!
The Bible --- TV3 --- 21:00
Ah yes, well where would Christmas be without old Jesus himself?They always have to ruin the festive season by bringing that chap in. I really don't understand why people think he's so importnat. Oh well, always a good time to trot out the old --- wait a moment though! This is new! Well, to these ignorant Irishmen anyway. A mini-series, made this year no less , being shown over several nights. Sounds interesting. Must tell the Prince of Darkness about this one --- now what’s his hashtag again? #SatanRocks. Hmm. How unfortunate. Still listens to Showaddywaddy, you know. Still, he’ll be interested to see how he looks onscreen. Especially that desert scene. I believe it was most uncomfortable out there, waiting for the son of God to get himself out there and then the insults poor Lucifer had to take … I swear, try to help someone…
Strictly come dancing live finals --- BBC One --- 18:30 and 20:40
If you enjoy the sight of nubile young ladies showing more than a little ankle as they get whirled around by nubile young men (Smithers! Stop that! Behave yourself man!) then you’re going to have to be careful, as Aunty Beeb has rather carelessly sandwiched the two finals in the nation’s favourite dancing competition between the godawful “Atlantis”, so you may end up seeing it inadvertently! Mwa-hahahha! And I know how bad it is! Best to set the videoplus, Smithers says. Great Caesar’s ghost! I can see that young lady’s underthings when her partner swings her around! Smithers! How do you work this recordathon again? Oh nothing, really, just asking… no! No! Don’t delete! Damn and blast it!
The many faces of Ronnie Barker --- BBC Two --- 22:00
Bah! The Two Ronnies were bad enough, the One Ronnie is worse. Now we have to suffer through a tribute to the one who has shuffled off this mortal coil? Humbug! Humbug I say! One face is too many! Why are these things always on at Christm --- oh, quite. That’s what I’m trying to show you happens. Well, this just proves my point, doesn’t it?
The unforgettable Frankie Howerd --- UTV --- 1:00
I forget who he was. Heh heh. No, really, I do. When you get to my age...
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix --- UTV --- 18:30
Bah! One Harry Potter movie is much the same as another. Snivelling little do-gooder going around bothering my friend Voldermolt! What did he ever do to Potter? Little interfering brat! He wouldn’t be so smart without his magic!
Come dine with me --- Channel 4 --- from 16:30 to 18:35
Really? Almost a whole day of watching people stuff themselves with food, and complimenting each other on how well they cook? Dear lord, I hope none of these people ever show up on my doorstep. Come dine with me, you’ll be heading to the emergency room with food poisoning if I have anything to do with it!
And just to complete the reasons to avoid Channel 4 on this day (or any day really)
Deck the halls --- Channel 4 --- 19:15
I believe Trollheart has already outlined how bad this movie is in his “25 worst films” section, and for once I agree with him. Avoid at all costs.
Four Christmasses --- Channel 4 --- 21:00
And this one. Two words, my friends: Vince Vaughn.
And that is just an example of the stellar programming the various channels --- or “stations”, as the backwards locals often call them over here --- are working on to make your Christmas one to remember. Or forget. Heavens only knows what they plan for the big day itself! Take my advice: throw you television out the window now, avoid all that --- what? No, I don’t believe the truck idling outside your window is mine… my logo you say? Well, that is interesting. Driver looking up at your window, holding a cellphone as if waiting for instructions? Excuse me just a moment: I have to take this call. Back soon with more reasons not to bother with the idiot box this Christmas.
Toodles!