Tristesse

I hope you guys are ready for a thrilling story full of suspense, hilarity and tragedy, because that’s just what I’ve got for you.

Our story begins a long long time ago in a Tesco store far far away, as our young dashing hero Dave was checking the sell-by dates on some ready-to-eat tenderstem broccoli. Dave was an extremely good looking, charming 6ft 2inch young man who could recite the entire lyrics of any Spice Girls song with the ease and power that Scary, Posh, Ginger, Baby and Sporty did back in the late 90s. Widely known throughout the store as the greatest employee in the stock control department, Dave knew how utterly crucial his role was in the never-ending challenge to keep the store making a large profit and beating the other competing supermarkets, Bainsbury’s, Gorrisons, Spasda, Gaytrose and Darks & Wencers (names have been changed to protect their identities).

So, just as the broccoli was receiving the tender loving touch of his hands and the sweet warm scanning of his PDA (personal device of awesomeness), a woman approached him. This woman was blonde, in her early 20s and so gorgeous that it would be an insult to try and describe her in any way other than interpretive dance. I know what you’re thinking, surely the only way this woman could be any more attractive would be if she had a sexy foreign accent? Well you are in luck my good friends, as she spoke with the beautiful hint of Russian that our hero, Dave, had ever heard. It would be a mistake to think that her presence in any way affected Dave’s professionalism, as despite the appearance of this angel, there was still broccoli that was craving his soft touch. However, there was a more pressing matter that confronted him as the woman thrust a packet of hot cross buns in his face. Dave was used to seeing women and their buns in films on the internet, but these were unlike any buns he had ever seen. Not only did they have chocolate chips instead of raisins, these buns were themselves completely and utterly brown, as if the flour making them up had taken a long chocolatey bath. It took Dave a few seconds to realise what this Godlike creation required, but his razor sharp vision had noticed the sell-by date on the packed of buns. It was the 1st March, which just happened to be today! Casting an eye over the rest of the woman’s trolley, Dave noticed that it was filled to the brim with items that had sell-by dates of the 1st March. All these items needed to be severely reduced in price, and this cunning beauty knew it.

Dave spend a good ten minutes scanning all of the items in this woman’s trolley as she and him chatted about everything ranging from whether she had four cabbages or five (due to Dave’s inability to see right to the bottom of her trolley) to whether Dave had reduced any apples this evening. After this exchange, Dave realised that now that he knew so much about this woman, she must be the one. He had never felt this way before. But, I hear you cry, surely Dave must have long successful relationship with attractive young blonde Russian women all the time? Well, as flattered as I’m sure Dave would be for you saying that, Dave had been rather unlucky in love ever since the incident involving the pepper spray and the tub of peanut butter. But I won’t go into that now.

Dave was smitten. ‘Maybe she feels the same way?’ he thought, pausing to pick up some custard tarts he had dropped on the floor accidently while he was pondering this probability. His heart skipped a beat when she said “will you be working tomorrow?” before looking straight into his eyes. ‘This is it,’ he thought, ‘this is the moment I’ve been waiting for my entire life.’
“Yes, I’ll be in from 12 til 5,” he said, trying not to show how intensely nervous and excited he was.
“Then I shall come and see you tomorrow!” she said, batting her eyelashes and nearly giving our hero Dave coronary heart failure.
Then, just to satisfy the insecurity building up inside him, he said “but I probably won’t be doing reductions tomorrow”.

Time stopped. The woman’s face turned from a flirty smile to the expression of someone who has just stepped in a turd on the pavement, and has just realised that your dog has a moist looking bumhole.
“Oh” she said, “maybe I won’t then.”

It took Dave a while to interpret what had just happened, but then he realised. She only wanted him for his powers of price reduction. How could he have been so amateur as to think that this woman wanted anything more than just extremely cheap hot cross buns? Saddened and angry, Dave went and bought some hot cross buns, and ate them.

THE END

PS. Dave is me

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