My mind is in a really dark place, probably the worst it's been in quite some time. My body really hurts, I can't get out of bed at all except to go to work, and I have constant suicidal fantasies going on in my head. I've been losing weight, I haven't been hungry at all, and everything just aches. It hurts to talk to people about something fun they did without going off the deep end. I realize that a good number of my friends have dealt with serious depression and suicide, but they are recovering and I don't want to bring back any bad thoughts/feelings that might hurt them. I'm afraid if I don't do something about my condition soon, I'll end up doing something really stupid and hurting a lot of people around me. I'm between a rock and a hard place, hurt my friends by telling them I want to kill myself, or just doing it and getting it done and over with quickly.
I am almost certain that my current episodes are routed in me being stuck in a situation I desperately want to escape. I've entered an intense cycle of complete and utter apathy, where I don't have the energy or will to change things anymore. I'm so scared I won't be able to move on with my life, and I feel like if I can't I'm going to eventually take my own life.
I have had people try and help me, but in my crazy delusions I've accused them of working against me. I've straight up called a member on this very board a liar for voicing their concern, and I then preceded to tell them that they wanted me to kill myself too. I'm really fucked in the head right now, and it's almost like a nightmare. I'm honestly very scared, and I don't know what to do.
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