Quote:
Originally Posted by Sequoioideae
My mind is in a really dark place, probably the worst it's been in quite some time. My body really hurts, I can't get out of bed at all except to go to work, and I have constant suicidal fantasies going on in my head. I've been losing weight, I haven't been hungry at all, and everything just aches. It hurts to talk to people about something fun they did without going off the deep end. I realize that a good number of my friends have dealt with serious depression and suicide, but they are recovering and I don't want to bring back any bad thoughts/feelings that might hurt them. I'm afraid if I don't do something about my condition soon, I'll end up doing something really stupid and hurting a lot of people around me. I'm between a rock and a hard place, hurt my friends by telling them I want to kill myself, or just doing it and getting it done and over with quickly.
I am almost certain that my current episodes are routed in me being stuck in a situation I desperately want to escape. I've entered an intense cycle of complete and utter apathy, where I don't have the energy or will to change things anymore. I'm so scared I won't be able to move on with my life, and I feel like if I can't I'm going to eventually take my own life.
I have had people try and help me, but in my crazy delusions I've accused them of working against me. I've straight up called a member on this very board a liar for voicing their concern, and I then preceded to tell them that they wanted me to kill myself too. I'm really fucked in the head right now, and it's almost like a nightmare. I'm honestly very scared, and I don't know what to do.
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Could you describe the situation you are in that you are trying to get out of? What is it about what you are currently doing that makes you so certain that it can't or won't change?
Personally I have been through some pretty bad times of depression, typically started from a particular bad event. It is always with me but after each bad episode I recover and in my opinion learn to deal with it much better. In fact good things have come from it before. The first bout of major depression came at 17, it was a long time coming but was started because I was dumped by my first real girlfriend. I was miserable for months, not wanting to do anything and like you pretty much just going to work and school. Never had many friends at that age so they didnt really worry about me.
The biggest thing that helped was eating better, exercising, and learning new skills (for me was drums/guitar). I think changing my body and skills I realized that to change where you want to be in life you have to do it yourself, make yourself better. People including your friends and parents do not owe you anything.
What ever your situation is why not try to change your diet and start excersizing? Not that I am some wonderfully proportioned greek god now, but I am definitely in much better shape physically and aesthetically than before and am always getting better. This can change your entire attitude on tackling many different problems in life.
Usually every 1-2 years I go through something similar but it has gotten a little easier to get over each time as I am learning how to cope with the emotions I have, realizing they are just emotions and not necessarily reality.
Hit me up sometime Alex and we can talk about it, would probably benifit both of us, and I have known you for some time on these boards and would be very unhappy if something happened with you.