tl;dr Easter is when Pagans masturbated in their fields to help the crops grow. Then the Roman Catholics came along and codified the people they were conquering by adapting their holidays (you can't stop a culture from habitual celebration so you might as well join them... and impinge on it with your one-god!).
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H̓̇̅̉yͤ͏mͬ͂ͧn͑̽̽̌ͪ̑͐͟o̴͊̈́͑̇m͛͌̓ͦ̑aͫ̽ͤ̇n̅̎͐̒ͫ͐c̆ͯͫ̋ ̔̃́eͯ͒rͬͬ̄҉
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