It's obviously amateur. But I see some potential. Francis pointed out some things that came to mind when I read your song, however it read a bit more like a poem.
You do not need to rhyme so much. I've always had this belief that if it's done too much, the flow is completely derailed. Switch things up, try new things and do not be afraid to reference a dictionary to read up on words that could help with creating imagery in your word play. Your song was decent, but for me, there was a slight bit of a dull look to it.
I'm far from the best writer there is or ever will be. But I've got over 14 years under my belt, so I'm happy to give pointers if you're open to it.
Keep at it. Don't ever be discouraged if someone says what you've written is garbage. Obviously the words mean something to you. So ultimately, what other people tell you doesn't matter. But if you do want to sharpen you're writing ability. Don't refuse any advice. But also stand by what you've written too.
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