Once upon a time, one man had a dream. A dream to bring the joy of Heavy Metal to the world. A dream of changing the minds of those who would not give this music a chance. A dream of introducing those who had not heard or experienced Heavy Metal to its wonders, and of showcasing it for those who had. A week of this most excellent music shall I play, thought he, and verily it shall be called "
Metal Week"!
But having come to this momentous decision, this man --- we shall call him Trollheart, for 'twas his name, and still is to this day --- did fain revisit his notion, and did ponder upon it late into the night, with many cups of good brown tea and several packets of chocolate biscuits. No, he doth NOT be sitting on the toilet! How darest thou suggest such a thing!
Harrumph! Anyway, as I was saying... And when he had given the matter enough thought, he did rise from his place of contemplation. "Lo!" Remarked he. "Doth have I laboured these many long hours, and by my troth ---"
Why are you talking like that? Like what, varlet?
In that ridiculous voice and using that archaic mode of speech? To build a sense of grandeur. To create an ambience. Now dost thou shuttest the
fuck up and hie thee from my presence, thou wearer of ladies' underthings, lest I smite thee and makest thee run home to thine mother, callow wretch!
L-L-Ladies' ... Who told you?... I mean ... er ...sorry, go right ahead. Speak whatever way you want. I'll be over there, you know, NOT getting fitted for a new, um, dress...
Hah! Finally, that carbuncle on the backside of humanity hath gone, run off like the little girl he doth be. What? No, no. I'm sure they're just vicious rumours. Heh heh.
Now, where was I? Ah yes! Tis a
good dream, spake he. But hardly a
great dream. How to squeeze all this Heavy Metal into one short week? And lo! He had an epiphany; seeing that there would not be enough time for his enterprise he boldly reimagined it. Instead of one week, there should be four! Yes, a whole
month of Metal, thought he. And what shall I call this extravaganza, in sooth? Why, surely the only fitting title could be ...
And so it did come to pass. And by the serried ranks of Valhalla, 'twere a complete triumph! So much so that 'twas not long before this yearly custom became an annual tradition. But as the anniversary of Metal Month did approach, Trollheart didst ponder 'pon its significance most deeply. "Last time" spake he, "Verily didst I fly by the seat of mine panties. This time, it shall be most exceedingly different.
This time, let there be order.
This time, let there be pattern.
This time, let there be ...
structure!
And lo! ‘Twas so!
A man synonymous with nothing about Metal, Chris de Burgh once wrote
“Closer they came, the army of Richard the Lionheart/ Marching by day and night, with soldiers from every part” --- that song was about the Crusades, and in a way this too is a crusade. A crusade of noise. A crusade of brutality. A crusade of power.
A crusade of Metal.
And like in the abovementioned song, from every part they did come: the Berserkers of Burzum and Morbid Angel rubbing shoulders with the True Metalheads from Manowar and Virgin Steele. Old vikings like Bathory and Moonsorrow nodding curtly to Destroying Death Angels from Slayer and Metallica, while at the head of this momentous army rode the shining generals from Iron Maiden, Judas Priest and Motorhead. As far as the eye could see it stretched, from pole to pole and from horizon to horizon, one mass of heaving, snarling, belching, singing men, all marching to the one tune, all acknowledging and praising the sacred name of Metal.
These are men (and some women) who know the ancient Secret of Steel, who yearn to Die With Their Boots On, who snarl Kill ‘em All! and who sing of the End of Days, the passing of all things, and the glory of beer and women. Men who do not flinch from the battle, men who revel in blood and gore, men who, to quote one of their august number, always play on ten. They are the Army of the Immortals, the Soldiers of Death, the Masters of Puppets. They are the Iron Fist, the steely gaze beneath the visor, the grim line of a mouth that speaks never of mercy nor quarter. Where their horses (steel and otherwise) tread, great gouts of fire plume into the air with the roar of the damned souls in Hell, and in their wake they leave nought but destruction, death and a bitchin’ good time.
They ride with one purpose, and in one direction, in a straight unbroken line from sea to sea. From the mountains they have come, and from the valleys. From the cities of men and from the forests and woods bordering those cities, and from other, nameless places too. Yea, some have even broken the bonds of death and have sprung with revenge and lust in their eyes from the ground, storming the very gates of Hell in their desire to be able to say “Verily, I was there!”
Stand in their way, they will ride you down without a second thought. Join them, they will sweep you up in their steel embrace and carry you with them to the place where, once every year, Metalheads gather and the very ground shakes in anticipation. After many days’ riding and having endured much hardship --- which, like true soldiers of metal they have paid no mind to and have shrugged off --- they have arrived at their destination.
And you, riding among their company, one of them now: you too have arrived.
Welcome, my friends to
Over the course of the next month, here’s what you can look forward to:
The International Language of Metal
It’s said that music is the international language, understood no matter where you are or in what language it is sung, or indeed none. This truth also holds for Heavy Metal, and we will be proving that by sampling a tiny taste of the Metal four countries have to offer. This year, as this section launches, we will be travelling to Brazil, Spain, Germany and Ireland, to see how the music of each stands up to scrutiny, and what, if any, decent bands are lurking there, perhaps largely unknown. We will also possibly feature more well-known bands in each country, but the emphasis will be on the smaller bands who are less popular outside their homeland.
Featured Artiste
We will be delving deeply into the discography of a Metal artiste, trying to review all their studio output if possible. The identity of the first ever Featured Artiste will be revealed tomorrow.
What Metal means to Me
Some thoughts by members on why they enjoy this music, what they get out of it and what it means to their lives.
Triple Box Set
A look at three linked albums by … but that would be spoiling the surprise!
The Meat Grinder
Always popular during Metal Month (yes, yes it is!) we will be again running four instances of the series wherein I fall blind off the random cliff and choose a band I may know nothing about, trying to find some of their music and review it. My luck with this has been less than stellar so far so here’s hoping the Metal Gods will be kinder to me this year. You listening up there?
The Metal that made Me
Another chance for me to go on at length about Metal albums that influenced my early years getting into the genre. May ignite some memories for you, too.
The Celebrity Devil Music Deathmatch
Which really is the better Black Sabbath album? Paranoid or the debut? We’ll be taking a searching and scientific look at both, and answering this question once and for all. Yay science!
Freshly Forged in ‘14
Some of the best --- and maybe worst --- Metal albums released this year.
The Albatross --- Metal Version
Did this last year with Motorhead’s classic “Ace of spades”. This year we’ll be looking at another Metal standard that may have inadvertently stereotyped the band as “the one that did that song”...
Members’ Top Ten Lists
Does what it says on the tin. Out of hundreds --- well, ten --- lists recieved we’ll be taking a short trip through the top ten Metal albums lists of three members whose lists were chosen.
Don't listen to that --- listen to this!
I’ll be reviewing all of the albums suggested or recommended to me by members.
More than words --- Metal Edition
Another chance to dissect the oft-overlooked and ridiculed songwriting in a metal classic.
A Lighter look at the Dark Side
Funny, touching or just downright weird moments from our favourite Metal bands.
It’s only Day One, and you can expect several updates a day, every day, so who’s to say more stuff won’t occur to me as we go along? This itinerary may be far from complete, so keep checking back as there’s sure to be more good stuff as the weeks go on.
For you who have no interest in Metal, there is nothing here for you. If you don't like it loud, fast, hard and heavy you will not enjoy it here this month. To paraphrase the mighty Dio: "If you don't like Heavy Metal, well it's too late now!" Basically, if you don't like it you know what you can do: check out my other journals and come back next month. Or you could try staying, opening your mind to new ... oh. You're already at the door. Well okay then! See ya in November!
As for the rest of you, the true believers and the defenders of the faith, why not pull up a stool by the bar --- hey! Only poseurs sit down in the comfy lounge seats you know! --- let me draw you a tankard of your favourite poison and settle back as the first band takes the stage. T-minus ten seconds. Nine. Eight.
Oh I can’t wait…
Engage!