(Author's note: This section will contain some pretty close to the bone sexual innuendo and humour, and also graphic violence depicted through the written word. As such, I feel it only right to slap this sticker here, to warn you all. Over 18s only. You have been warned.
The Batlord once mused “If I didn't have you to torture, Trollheart, this site would not be nearly as much fun for me as it is”. Or something close to that anyway. Well, always eager to please I'm happy to provide my Metal-obsessed buddy with an opportunity to do just that. Torture me. Musically, I mean! Musically! Our relationship isn't like that --- what? No it's not mine! How should I know? Look, what would I be doing with a rubber skirt, high-heeled boots and a leather hood, now come on! What? They all have “TH” stencilled in red thread on them? Well sure that could be anyone. Plenty of people with those initials I'm sure. Like ... like ... um .. like ... Stop stretching it! It's very tight yes. Made to measure. For someone with a very slim waist. What? Yes, I have a very slim waist, what of it? Oh stop it! You're getting finger marks on it! Do you know how long it took me to clean it the last time ---? Just put it down, okay?
God! As I way saying before someone started messing with a bondage outfit
that is definitely, categorically not mine, this new section will allow Batty to run riot. He'll be suggesting the worst albums he can think of for me to listen to and seeing how much misery he can cause me. Here's how it will work:
I start off with 100% health. As the album progresses I rate each track on a scale of how much it sucks, and accordingly lose health. (This will be descriptive and is where the graphic violence comes in) So for track one let's say I lose 20%, track two 20%, track three 10%. By the time track four begins I've already lost 50% of my health. When it drops to 0% --- surprise, surprise! --- I'm dead. However, as some of the albums --- most of the albums? --- may kill me early, as Nick Cave once said, death is not the end. After my health drops to zero, I can continue losing health, which then goes into minus figures. When I am -100% I become a Proto-Zombie, but even then that's not the last of it. With a percentage health of -200% I become a True Zombie, -300% a Mega Zombie and -400% a Crypto Zombie (one of the worst kinds of living hell: a Zombie who enjoys Cryptopsy!)
The trends can of course reverse. If, before I drop to 0%, I hear a track I think is not all that bad, then my health could go from say 60% back up to 70 or 80, but once I hit True Zombie there is o going back. A Proto-Zombie state can be reversed, bringing me back to a simple corpse, and perhaps on from there back to life. But I'd really have to like the music for that to happen, and let's be honest, he's not going to pick any music that will help me survive. His mission is to kill me, kill me again and kill me some more.
Each album must be listened to in its entireity, but don't expect long in-depth reviews. There'll be just be enough to prove I have actually listened to the album, not just said I did. At the end of each track I'll post my Health Score, and at the end of the album we'll see whether I survive, die or become one of four types of zombie. If I survive, I can ask for an album that I might enjoy, or at least tolerate, and Batty has to honour that request. However if I become anything past a Proto-Zombie then he's free to go to town on his next selection. Somehow I feel I'll be enduring some pretty ear-tearing music...
Anyone who wishes to participate in my musical torture can do so, but this is Batty's Torture Chamber so you have to go through him. Just drop him a PM I guess. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a tight rubber miniskirt to wriggle into --- I mean, to return to its owner! Yes, that's it. That's what I meant to say.
Now, where
did I leave that talcum powder?
Tomorrow: the torture begins as Trollheart suffers through a whole Cryptopsy album...
