Drip! Drip! Drip!
Man, it smells down here. Place probably hasn't seen the touch of disinfectant nor polish in years. Needs a woman's touch. Now if I were able to --- whoa there Troll! You're slipping into the female mindset again. Hard not to of course when these massive bazoogas are in front of my eyes --- why did he have to make them so
large? Not that I'm complaining necessarily. But they are heavy, am I'm not used to carrying such weight in front of me. Hey! A thought just occurred: how did he manage to have an outfit that
exactly fitted my new petite but voluptuous body? That must have been an embarrassing purchase! I can see it now...
“And what size bust is the young lady sir?”
“What? Oh ... er ... I dunno. Big. You know ...”
“Yes sir. Bra sizes go up to double letters if your ladyfriend is, ah,
specially endowed. Would that be correct?”
“Um. No, I don't think double figures. Just, you know, big.”
Batty holds his hands out in the universal cupping gesture beloved of lecherous men the world over. The assistant gives a knowing wink. She's been around. She knows how to deal with
this kind of customer!
“Perhaps if you wished to try the outfit on, sir? The changing rooms are just through ...”
Batty explodes, his face acquiring the hue of a Mexican tomato. “What? WHAT?? No! No, you don't understand. It's not me me! I don't wear ... how could you think .. why would I...?
The assistant nods in sympathy. “Oh it's nothing to be ashamed of sir. We get many ---” But Batty has already fled, the intimation burning his cheeks and the imagined laughter of other customers ringing in his ears.
Then again, he probably just bought it online. Nice though. Skirt's definitely too short, however...
Snap out of it Trollette! I think I hear him approaching. At least I'm through listening to Limp Bizkit. Nothing could be as bad as that. Unless ... A shiver of horror creeps up my gently arching spine. He wouldn't, would he? Another of
their albums? Oh no, even The Batlord wouldn't be so cruel. Plus it would be redundant, and he doesn't like to repeat himself, does he? Not down here in
As if he's been somehow able to hear my thoughts --- or more likely, what I believed I was thinking was in fact being muttered by me (it gets lonely down here, and sometimes talking to yourself is the only way you can keep any kind of sanity) --- he grins in the darkness, his voice a sibilant whisper.
“No, I don't”, he confirms.
“No more Limp Bizkit for you. This time, we have something entirely different.”
Dommedagsnat --- Thorr's Hammer --- 1996 (Moribund Records)
Ah yes, I've heard him talk of this one. To be honest, had he not mentioned it I might have been taken by surprise by the vocal, but then the singer, Runhild Gammelsæter, is shown on the cover of the album. Well, more an EP reallym with only six tracks. This should be easy! Total running time of just over twenty minutes. Ah, Batty! Getting soft in your old age?
Hold on a minute! I'm confused: six tracks, and three are exactly the same titles and lengths? Side A is the same as side B? So are there only three tracks? How weird. I guess that's it then. This may be easier than I thought. Well, he's pushing play so let's see what we got.
Oh yeah: obviously I'm no longer a zombie, or proto-zombie, thanks to his regeneration machine or whatver it is. Okay well there's some sort of female chanting to start off “Norge”, with a thick dark guitar line and then Runhild kicks into it as the guitar punches in properly --- oh wait a moment! I just looked at the lineup and other than her these guys' name are SO black metal: Greg Anderson (sounds like an accounting firm), Stephen O'Malley (sounds like a member of the reserves for the Ireland Under 21 soccer team), James Hale (no relation to Fred?) and Jamie Sykes. Good lord! She's the only one with any sort of dark, portentous name, and that probably means like Betty Black or something. Mind you, she has a PhD so I had better not just write her off as a pretty face. Though she is. Concentrate Trollette, concentrate!
Anyway, the two guitars --- I guess you'd say the two arms of Thorr's hammer --- are handled by Greg and Stephen (titter) and they do a good job, but it's when sweet little Runhild starts singing that you really get a surprise. To think that's a seventeen year old girl singing, well it just takes the breath away. I said
breath! God! Some people!
She sounds about the darkest voice I've heard, and I've listened to some Cookie Monsters this month! When she cuts down to her “normal” voice it's really nice, as the guitars slow and Jamie on the bass adds his touch. But you know it won't last. And here comes the monster again.
I don't know: maybe my experiences during Metal Month II have somewhat inured me to this kind of music, or maybe I'm just expecting it so it's not a shock, but while it's unsettling I don't see it being a major thing. It's certainly not like listening to Cryptopsy. I'll tell you one thing though: I hope she doesn't use that voice when she's in bed with her boyfriend. Or girlfriend. Whatever, it's not a thing you want to wake up to or hear just at, um, “the moment”!
Decent guitars yeah but it's very doom/black metal-by-the-numbers, and if it wasn't for Runhild being the vocalist this would be another very forgettable album as far as I'm concerned. Nothng to worry about here!
HEALTH: 100%
“Troll” is a little slower (!) and she starts off with the dark vocal right away. I have of course no idea what she's singing, even if she's singing in English, and you have to wonder how she developed that voice. Could be a real one to fool your mates on “name that vocalist”, if such a game existed. But generally it's more of the same, the guitars a touch more animated, and though I certainly don't like this, I don't like it in the same way I don't like Eminem or the Sex Pistols: it doesn't scare me, outrage me or make me lose any of my bodily functions. It just makes no real impression on me, and I think Batty's annoyed to see a smile on my full, sensuous lips...
HEALTH: 100%
And so we come to the closer, already. Had this EP been longer then maybe I would have hated it more, maybe it would have been harder to get through and maybe it would have made more of a negative impression on me. But as it is, were my hands free I'd be doing my nails or touching up my lipstick. Or possibly trying to pull down this skirt --- getting a chill here Batty! But not from the music: it's just boring really. The vocal is interesting, but since I already knew about it the shock value, such as it is, has been robbed from this album. It's like someone telling you the exact moment the murderer springs on his victim in the latest shlock horror, and what he does. Once you know, it lessens the surprise and reduces the impact. Even at that though, had I not known this was a young girl singing I would just have assumed it was another vocalist doing my least favourite type of singing. Doesn't bother me. Don't like it, but it doesn't bother me.
This is the longest song on the album, the title track and god knows what it means, though maybe with the word “domme” in it there's some connection to bondage or domination? How appropriate, huh, given my current position? But it's all the same: slow, plodding, grinding, churning, boring. Even the novelty value of a seventeen year old hottie who sings like Satan's worst nightmare has very quickly worn off. Bored now.
HEALTH: 100%
Well, that made absolutely no impression on me. If that's the best you can do, Batty, you may as well let me go now, because I'm not going to give you the satisfaction of ... hmm? Gnaw their what? Okay, sure: bring it on. I'm getting cocky --- I mean, confident now, aren't I? What's that? You'll wipe that smile off my face, will you? Yeah well, we'll see. Do your worst. I can take it.
I hope...
