Okay, I need to write this out. I'm in the perfect mood for this and I don't want to waste it. My depression is affecting me like it never has before.
I'm completely unbalanced.
Have you noticed how I've been in Plug or posting around the board a lot recently? Notice how my sense of humor is kind of exploding like a sarcasm bomb? This is all my depression. Since last Friday, I've been a yo-yo of emotions going from way down to sort of up. Friday night was one of the strangest and saddest nights of my life. It led me to go back to therapy twice a week and to see a psychiatrist to see if medication will help.
I fantasized about killing myself Friday night. My lady friend, whom I had a five year relationship with, basically told me that she doesn't want to be around me anymore until I fix my emotional problems. We had been spending a lot of time together over the last few months and I really thought we were getting somewhere. That all came to an abrupt stop on Friday and my body couldn't deal with it. I walked to Washington Heights in NYC and just walked around until I became too cold to function. On the way back across the bridge I stopped and looked down. I had no intention of jumping.
Honestly. I didn't.
I thought about it though. I thought about it like somebody would go...
"You know...Cheesecake factory sound really awesome right now. I'd love to have some, but I just can't really drive all the way there. That's crazy."
I don't want to kill myself. My brother is a recovering heroin addict convict. My dad has depression worse than me. I could't do that to my mother. I want to though. I have come to realize that I just WANT to be dead sometimes. Friday night was one of those times. I was so sad I couldn't even function mentally. I was out of body the entire time I was walking home and when I finally got home I literally checked my mailbox ten times for a netflix dvd. Ten times. Like I was some sort of forgetful alcoholic or something. It was a physical experience I've never felt before.
The next day I decided to call my therapist and my mother and tell them what happened. That's where I am now. I'm in a limbo between Friday night and the next chapter in this game I'm playing.
Limbo is the best way to describe it. I literally have no idea what to feel. Tonight I'm sad but since I started drinking I've crossed into this weird sadhappy place. Like, I'm dead inside but the outside is still going. It's like a chicken with it's head cut off. My essence is not there but my body is still running around laying eggs like nothing f*cking happened.
I'm seeing a psychiatrist on Wednesday. I have no idea if and what he'll prescribe me but I hope it's something that levels me out. I need help with motivation too. I hate my job but will not put any effort into finding another one.
I'm very lost right now. But it's a weird kind of lost. It's like I'm lost in the woods but I keep finding cool things to cheep me up from time to time. At the end of the day, I have no idea where the **** I am and it makes me f*cking sad as sh*t, but for some reason I'm still going.
I needed to get that off my chest. I have a friend coming over in an hour to drink with me. Friends are neat.
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