I personally took this as a spoken word piece, and it that sense I thought it worked really effectively. Some nice ideas, and I like the way you draw upon creationism and evolution in a subtle but interesting way. I think it really just needs to be worded in a more flowing and appropriate manner, fine tuned if you will, to get the most from it. I disagree that it needs to rhyme to work, I think I'd rather it didn't, but you can certainly play around with the structure somewhat.
At the end of the day, poetry and song writing should be personal, should be self-indulgent, because if art isn't self-indulgent, then what is it? Anything less than that would be selling-out to an audience, which is best avoided. In this case, I think the premise is fine. It will connect with people, because endangered species are a hot topic ethically at the moment, and it speaks in a larger way about humanity's general treatment of the environment around us.
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