Since we're now less than two weeks from the big day, I think it might be appropriate to review some Christmas albums. First up, an album I did not even realise exist (though I'm tickled to discover it does) and was only alerted to thanks to Ki...
Death Metal Christmas --- J.J. Hrubovcak --- 2013 (Independent)
J.J. Who? No I don't know either, but apparently Mr. Hrubovcak and his brother Mike have been involved in the death metal scene for years, and if bands such as Vile, Divine Rapture and Hate Eternal mean anything to you, well I guess then you'll know him. There are only five songs on this album, and each of them seems to lampoon the spirit of Christmas, with the first being an “alternative” version of “God rest ye, merry gentlemen”,which they've titled “Unrest for melancholy men”. Class! Just listen to the opening verse:
”Unrest for melancholy men/ Who wallow in dismay/ For Azrael, the lone Butcher/ Was born upon this day /To steer us all toward Satan's ends/ And lead us all astray/ There'll be absence of comfort and joy/ Comfort and joy/ There'll be no more comfort or joy.”
Oh I just love it! The song itself? Well nobody will be surprised to hear it's a fast, biting guitar that pounds along, while Mike has one of those Cookie Monster voices, but to be fair you can make out what he's singing. Just about. The tune follows the exact melody of the carol, which makes it even more hilarious. There's a sort of dark, doomy feel about the guitar too that spits on any notion of Christmas cheer. After the first verse it speeds up even more with a blistering guitar solo like a wailing lost soul seeking the comfort of a Christ who is not going to come to save it. The next track is slower and doomier, with a brooding, growling vocal as the two brothers take on “We three kings” by turning it into “Earthen kings”, and bringing our good friend Azrael in again as Mike howls
"Myrrh is mine, its bitter perfume/ Breathes a life of gathering gloom/ Sorrowing, sighing, bleeding, dying/ Sealed in the stone-cold tomb .” Wonderful solo here too, and then the next two tracks are instrumentals.
Two classics are butchered, the first being the traditional ballet, “The Nutcracker”, as the guys really crack the nuts of “The Sugar Plum Fairy” (does the SPF
have nuts?) as they grind out an initially familiar tune with JJ on the glockenspiel, or maybe piano I don't know. Then a savage guitar punches everything aside as the devourer rips through the piece, scattering the rich and famous to all sides, people screaming as tuxedoed and cocktail dressed patrons stream towards the exits, no doubt shouting “Oh I
say!” in disapproving voices which are lost in the bludgeoning cacophony of guitars and drums that drown them like a tsunami. We can safely assume there is nothing left of the theatre as the two Hrubovcak brothers tear it apart then stand, like T-Rex at the end of “Jurassic Park”, screaming their triumph among the carnage.
“Greensleeves” becomes their next victim, but to be fair they don't do as good a job on this: I don't really hear the original melody in this as I did in the previous. It's fast, it's loud, it's unforgiving and it's liable to cause your head to explode if you thought you were going to hear some medieval Vaughan-Williams ditty. Um. You're not. It's a decent tune but, given all the Christmas standards they could have desecrated here, why they went for a tune that is not traditionally associated with the festive season is beyond me. “Away in a manger” could have become “Away in a torture chamber”. “Deck the halls” might have metamorphosed into “Hang the halls”, and there are so many more. Oh well.
We're at the end already, as with a big, tortured, snarling guitar riff we smash into “O come, o come, Azrael” (replacing Emmanuel of course), a slow, grindy number with Mike back at his sandpaper-and-gavel best, but it's not a song I know that well and I'm slightly disappointed because it doesn't have the same impact on me that it would have they, for instance, attempted “Silent night”, “Jingle bells” or even “O holy night”. Not bad, but I could have perhaps expected better. Gotta check the lyric out before we go though: [i]”Rejoice! Rejoice! O Azrael shall come to thee/ Deliver man to hell.” And a Merry Christmas to you too guys!
TRACKLISTING
1. Unrest for melancholy men
2. Earthen kings
3. Nutcracker: Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy
4. Greensleeves
5. O come, o come, Azrael
Very definitely a novel record of course, and well executed, but I think they could have done better had they chosen more well-known carols and/or hymns. There's so much more they could have done here. Who's for “Santa got stuck up the chimney and died”? Maybe a little “Black Christmas” or “Last Christmas (I tore out your heart)”? Or what about “Rudolph the red-fanged reindeer” or “Walking in a winter wasteland”? See? The breath of material available is staggering.
Still, it's easy for me to say. Whatever else you can say about these two crazy brothers, whether this is meant to be a joke or humourous album or whether they really do hate Christmas and wanted to write something alternative for the season, it's the perfect antidote for those of us who are sick to the back teeth of “Rocking around the Christmas tree”, “Merry Xmas everybody” and, oh yeah, how could I forget? “Fairytale of New York”! Pah! Give me this album over any of those! Bah! Humbug!
And a Death Metal Christmas to you all!