The Batlord

Merry ****ing Christmas, you stupid ****s! I give you the gift of comic books... although I am only actually giving them to myself, while you will have to make do with reading walls of text, but it's still better than socks. Unless of course, you're a girl, and you get a jizz sock from a basketball player with enough genetic material to get yourself pregnant, then WHAM-O! Set up for life. Money grubbing bitch.

Anyways, as you can see, Harley Quinn has a special Christmas issue out this month. Because of course she does. The second I heard about it I didn't even question it. It just makes sense. Contained inside are three stories, all drawn by three different artists, with the first being the longest, and as you might expect from a Harley Quinn Christmas comic, all of them are completely bat**** crazy.

Oh, and just to get this out of the way, in this series, Harley has inherited an apartment building, and is living with a group of circus freaks, sans Joker. This series doesn't really seem to have anything to do with past or current Batman/DC continuity, so that's all you really need to know.

First up, we have "Bad Toy". This little yarn reminds me of an episode of The Simpsons, where what is going on in the beginning, has absolutely **** all to do with what happens at the end. Now, just try to follow along with me as I attempt to be as confusing as possible for my own personal amusement:

Christmas Eve > Harley Quinn has a bunch o' dogs and cats > wants puppies and kittens > neuters and spays sparingly > has puppies and kittens > too many damn puppies and kittens > gives them away to nice people Christmas shopping > gives dynamite to *******s > people don't know they've been given puppies/dynamite > she put them in their shopping bags when they weren't looking > puppies and kittens gone > Harley sad > tries to find the puppy she liked best > assaults police station > gets address of people she gave puppy to > leaves police station > steals Hummer > it's okay > douche was double-parked > gets directions from old lady > old lady drives Hummer to address > not explained why old lady drove Hummer instead of just giving directions > something about Vegas > also not explained why meter maid tied to hood of Hummer > presume hijinks > Harley breaks into house > steals back dog > doesn't leave house > gets drunk on eggnog > passes out on floor >>>

Christmas morning > Family has a kid > she's a mega-bitch > finds Harley asleep on floor > decides she's her present > dad and aunt (it's complicated) confused > wouldn't you be? > clown lady asleep on floor? > more perplexing than terrifying > unless afraid of clowns > I'm afraid of clowns > would **** myself > while masturbating > Harley has a nice ass > anyway... > dad a pussy > girl entitled > dad doesn't want to upset child > hires Harley to be bad toy (like name of story) to annoy mega-bitch girl > backfires > they get along famously > step on presents > make plans for arson > eat candy canes instead > eat too many candy canes > vomit > aunt made turducken > more vomit > take bath to clean up vomit > Harley farts in bath >>>

Harley discovers what happened to mother > hit by truck on Christmas > emotional heaviness > daughter mad at dad for making mom go out that day > dad feels too guilty to discipline her > aunt (mom's sister) moved in when mom died > presume dad and aunt are ****ing though no actual evidence to support theory > Harley puts on glasses > is a psychiatrist > major feels > hug > Harley and girl devise harebrained scheme to bring family back together > Harley attacks girl with ax > ax hungry for blood > dad hits Harley with platter > picks up ax > leans ax on shoulder like a boss > kicks Harley out of house > pays her for job well done > was a good bad toy > family brought together by violent altercation with unbalanced clown girl > Harley says goodbye to girl > gives her dog > threatens with ax if girl doesn't take care of dog > for reals this time > probably > goes home > Christmas party > The End.

If all of that doesn't seem to make any sense, it's because it doesn't. But the day this series starts making sense is the day I find a new comic. There were some good laughs, the art felt fun and festive, and if the revelation about the girl's mother was a bit too abrupt to have the proper emotional impact, well... this is a series with a lot of heart, but not so much emotional depth, if you know what I mean, so it is what it is. Loved it.

The second feature "Get Yer Cheer Outta My Ear", is just a tad too random for its own good---either that, or it's not quite random enough for Dr. Seuss. There's something called a humbug, which is like a Christmas earwig, and it crawls in Harley's ear and starts humming Christmas carols. She spends the next ten pages completely wigging out trying to figure out where the humming is coming from, accosting old ladies with dogs, cops, and finally a department store Santa (The revelation that she probably still believes in Santa is a pretty awesome new bit of Harely lore.) The story also kind of implies that the department store Santa actually is the real Santa, and as such, he knows just what to do about the humbug: stick a candy cane in Harley's ear. And then they all, Harley and Santa and the bug, eat Christmas dinner at a kosher deli. This story is certainly charming, and the art is charmingly zany as well, but it's definitely the weakest story here. Although this panel of Harley using a dog's ass to listen for ghostly humming makes it worthwhile...




And then there's this. Harley Quinn is quite possibly the dirtiest mainstream comic out right now, even though it never seems to explicitly reference sex...




Finally, there's "K!llin' T!me". This entry is definitely stronger than the last one, with a more engaging narrative, that, while being as nonsensical and meandering a romp from Point A to Point B as any of Harley's stories are, actually does tell a story. A stupid story. But a story.

It's somewhere in the vicinity of Christmas and Harley discovers that she has a grey hair. Being a woman, she panics. Through Harley Logic, she decides that the only way to stop herself from getting old is to stop Father Time from giving his watch to the New Year's Baby. Nonsense of course, but I hate babies and old people, so I'm totally down with this.

She attempts to accomplish her completely reasonable goal by infiltrating an old folk's home and adorably harassing a bedridden old man (whose last name is "Tyme") and his bewildered family. Eventually of course, her exasperated victims manage to convince the daffy dingbat that the old man is not Father Time, his great granddaughter is not the New Year's Baby, and there's nothing she can do to stop the flow of time. Of course, all that's necessary to pick up her spirits is for the great granddaughter to pluck out Harley's gray hair, and so she heads out into the night, assured that all is right with the world, while behind her, helicopters careen out of control, firemen fall from their ladders, and men catch on fire, for no apparent reason. How can you not love Harley?

As fun as this story is, my favorite part is definitely the artwork, done by Darwyn Cooke, the same artist responsible for Catwoman: Selina's Big Score, which was visually one of my favorite discoveries of the past few months. He's got a kind of retro style, with stylized, almost cartoony artwork set off with big, bold colors. He actually makes Harley look the closest to her appearance from B:TAS since... B:TAS. And his expressions are just to die for...




So there you have it. A pretty fantabulous issue, full of Christmas cheer and only one fatality (he hated animals, so it was cool). If there's any better way to spend the holidays than reading this comic while avoiding your relatives, then I haven't found it. Although I'm assuming Christmas head would give Harley a run for her money. In any case, I guess there's nothing else to do but say...

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