Episode Three, in Which Arthur Learns some Uncomfortable Truths, is Reunited with an “Old Friend”, Walks the Surface of a Planet That Does Not Exist, and Mysteriously Hurts his upper Arm.
Zaphod Beeblebrox believes he has located the fabled planet of Magrathea, which used to be the centre of a vast planetbuilding empire which constructed custom-made planets for the galaxy's super-rich. Ford does not believe it: Magrathea is a children's tale, he tells his friend. It does not exist. Trillian is more interested in feeding her pet white mice, and is most upset when they escape after the ship has been, against all logic, attacked from a dead planet by an automated missile system. Unlike most missile systems this does not destroy the ship, but then that's because this ship is, remember, the
Heart of Gold, which possesses the infinite improbability drive. When there seems no way to escape the missiles Arthur, in a rather uncharacteristic act of both bravery and logic, pushes the button that engages the drive. The missiles are thereafter changed into a bowl of petunias and a large sperm whale.
Having successfully avoided the attempt to stop them landing, the guys bring the ship down to the surface of Magrathea, Zaphod convinced that the wealth of the galaxy lies therein. Arthur is told to stay behind on the surface with Marvin while Trillian, Ford and Zaphod go down a tunnel and into the interior of the planet, Zaphod having remembered that the inhabitants all lived inside the planet. When Arthur asks him if this was due to some natural catastrophe or pollution, he returns “No. They just didn't like it very much!” It is Arthur who seems to make contact though, as the man whom they saw on the hologram advising them of the missile attack walks along the beach and invites him to accompany him.He calls himself Slartibartfast, and advises Arthur that the planet is alive with industry again, awoken from its millennia-long slumber to undertake one custom job.
Arthur is more than amazed to see that the special, custom planet under construction is none other than his home planet, the Earth. Or, as Slartibartfast corrects him, the Earth Mark II. He tells Arthur that the original planet which was his home was one of their creations. He is further amazed and aghast when he is told that the Earth (and the new Earth Mark II) were commissioned and paid for by white mice! Slartibartfast says that the destruction of the original Earth was “a shocking cock-up: the mice were furious!” Even after all he's been through, Arthur can feel his grip on reality slowly slipping away like quicksand beneath his feet.
QUOTES
The Book: “In those days, spirits were brave, the stakes were high. Men were
real men, women were
real women, and small blue creatures from Alpha Centauri were
real small blue creatures from Alpha Centauri.”
Ford: “Magrathea?”
Zaphod: “Yeah!”
Ford: “You found it?”
Zaphod: “Yeah!”
Ford: “Zaphod, Magrathea is a fantasy planet. It's a fairy story that parents tell their children when they want them to grow up to become economists.”
Zaphod: “No. We're in orbit around it!”
Ford: “Zaphod, I can't help what you may personally be in orbit about, but ...”
The Book: “Arthur's next question is very important and valid, and Zaphod's response to it is wrong in every important aspect.”
Arthur: “Is it safe?”
Zaphod: “Of course it's safe! Magrathea has been dead for over five million years!”
Slartibartfast (in hologram): “It is most gratifiying that your enthusiasm for our planet continues unabated, and we would therefore like to assure you that the guided missiles now converging on your ship are part of a special service we extend to all of our most ...
enthusiastic clients. And the fully armed nuclear warheads are of course merely a courtesy detail. We look forward to yoru custom in future lives.”
Zaphod: “Hey! This is terrific! They're trying to kill us! You know what that means?”
Arthur: “We're going to die?”
Zaphod: “Yeah! No! Maybe... look, it means there's something down there they don't want us to have. And if they don't want us to have it that bad, I want to have it worse!”
Ford: “Well, can you fly the ship?”
Zaphod: “No. Trillian?”
Trillian: “No.”
Zaphod: “Fine. We'll do it together.”
Arthur: “I can't either.”
Zaphod: “I guessed.”
Trillian: “Zaphod, do you think we could stabilise our X zero zero if we split the flightpath tangentially across the sum and vector of 9X7G8 with a 5/3 inertial correction?”
Zaphod: “Wha? Oh, yeah, yeah! Just do it, will you?”
Ford: “Hey it worked! Where did you learn a stunt like that?”
Trillian: “Going around Hyde Park Corner on a moped.”
Zaphod: “Hey! Did you do that Earthman?”
Arthur: “Well, all I did was ...”
Zaphod: “That's a pretty hoopy piece of thinking, you know that?”
Arthur: “Well, it was nothing really...”
Zaphod: “Was it? Oh, forget it then.”
Trillian: “What are you supposed to do with a manically depressed robot?”
Marvin: “You think
you've got problems? What are you supposed to do if you
are a manically depressed robot? No don't try to answer; I'm fifty thousand times more intelligent than you and even I don't know the answer. It gives me a headache just trying to think down to your level!”
Marvin: “Life! Loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it.”
Arthur: “Night's falling, Look, robot! The stars are coming out.”
Marvin: “I know. Wretched, isn't it?”
Arhtur: “But that sunset! I've never seen anything like it in my wildest dreams! Two suns! It was like mountains of fire, boiling into space!”
Marvin: “I've seen it. It's rubbish.”
Arthur: “Only had the one sun on my planet. I come from Earth, you know.”
Marvin: “I know. You keep going on about it. It sounds awful.”
Arhtur: “Oh no. It was a beautiful place.”
Marvin: “Did it have oceans?”
Arthur: “Oh yes! Great big, wide, blue, rolling oceans.”
Marvin: “Can't bear oceans.”
Arhtur: “Tell me, do you get on well with other robots?”
Marvin: “Hate them.”
So this is it, we're going to die
Not surprisingly, Arhtur says this as it seems they cannot avoid the missiles that have locked onto them from the planet Magrathea. Well, you can hardly blame him really, can you?