The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl #1
January 2015
Yes. This is just as stupid a comic as it looks. What the **** is a "Squirrel Girl" you might ask? Well, she's a mutant with the proportionate strength and speed of a squirrel. I'm sure you might think that that is the most useless power anyone could ever have--as did I--but think about it. Squirrels move their body weight up and down trees on a regular basis with a dexterity and ease that most humans can't match on the ground. So, they have to be pretty strong don't they? Of course they do, or else this comic book makes even less sense.
But even if you accept such a ludicrous premise for a superhero, she's still gotta be pretty useless, right? Wrong. Here's an
abridged list of all of the people in the Marvel universe whom she has defeated...
- Doctor Doom
- The Mandarin
- Wolverine
- Deadpool
- Fin Fang Foom
- THANOS
Yep. She beat Thanos. Apparently this victory is disputed however. Uatu the Watcher backs her up, but Thanos claims that she really defeated a clone. Still, a clone of Thanos is pretty much still Thanos, so it should still count. Clearly then, I have just proven Squirrel Girl to be a hero of substance, and not at all the worst thing that anyone ever created strictly for the amusement factor of creating the worst thing that anyone ever created. On to the comic (her first actual solo series if you can believe it)...
This issue starts off as might be expected: Squirrel Girl sitting in a tree and singing her own, Squirrel Girl-themed rendition of the 60s Spider-Man cartoon theme. And then she fights a bunch of muggers by hitting them with her tail (yup), punting them, and throwing squirrels. All while still singing.
Aside from superhero stuff it's a big day for Squirrel Girl: she's going off to college, and finally moving out of the attic of the Avenger's Mansion--because where else would a squirrel-themed superhero live but in a superhero-themed attic. She's got some moving to do, but first, there's a secret identity to worry about; and with a giant squirrel tail that's a pretty tall order. Luckily all she has to do is stick it in the back of her pants, which gives her the Power Girl equivalent of a ghetto booty. This is made even more hilarious since there is absolutely no fan service in this comic, so this is pure gag.
However, there are of course superhero shenanigans. Namely, one Kraven the Hunter. In order to gain intelligence on him, she employs quite possibly the greatest arbitrary Deadpool cameo ever, further cementing my newfound love of SqueeGee (I just invented that)...
And so ensues a superhero battle to end all superhero battles, filled with surprise attacks, Squirrel Girl being held up by her feet like a small child playing with her father, Squirrel Girl geting covered by a net, Squirrel Girl biting through the net with her buck teeth, Kraven being swarmed by an army of squirrels, before finally, our heroine prevails! Although by "prevails", what I really mean is that she convinces Kraven to go hunt evil whales at the bottom of the ocean. Chalk up another victory for the Unbeatable Squirrel Girl!
But don't get too comfortable, gentle reader, as according to the last panel of her first issue...
Dun, Dun, DUN!!!
Oh, and did I mention her best friend is a squirrel? That she talks to? And understands?
With any luck, Squirrel Girl could be the non-evil Harley Quinn. I'll certainly be keeping up with her adventures to see how her series pans out. Luckily, issue #2 is already out, but after that I'm gonna have to wait each month for my fix like crack fiend.