This is Captain James T. Kirk. I can’t take your call right now. Please listen carefully to the following options and select the one that best describes your call:
If you are stuck in a stagnant society and wish to be liberated by the Federation, press one!
If you are a space babe wishing to learn about kissing, press two!
If you are a space babe wishing to learn about kissing, press three!
If you are a space babe wishing to learn about kissing, press four!
If you need a robot, machine or computer talked to death, press five!
If you require a crash course on how to get around the Prime Directive, press six!
If you are The Gorn looking for a rematch, press seven!
If you would like a long-winded diatribe on why man cannot be kept captive but must struggle for every inch, press eight!
If you are a space babe wishing to learn about kissing, press nine!
If you need help dealing with an evil/alternate/ version of yourself, press ten!