Quote:
Originally Posted by Pedestrian
I make self-deprecating jokes because I need people to know that I know my place in society. Because I believe I am a lesser person, and I don't want anyone to think that I think I am their equal.
I have no ability to view myself from the perspective of others, and so I project my perspective on them. When I connect with another person, I become neurotic about the idea that I am burdening them with my presence, and they are only tolerating me (in spite of this being illogical; who chooses to spend time or laugh with someone they're irritated by?).
I am ashamed of the feelings I have for others, because I feel as though I am not permitted by society to have them. I feel immense pressure to behave as a single, solitary unit, in spite of the fact that there's nothing I want more from my life than to bond to other people.
I feel a tremendous dissociation between my physical and cognitive selves, and when I am alone I am happy, because there's no need to bridge the chasm between the two. Amongst others, I am constantly self-aware, and I feel that these two selves are visible and disapproved of, because others interpret me as attempting to be someone I am not nor am free to be. My physical self is an anchor that prevents my emotional, intellectual, and cognitive self from maximizing my potential as a human being. I have become so entrenched, so obsessed with my work because it is the only outlet my real, intellectual self has. It is the only place where I feel like my contributions to the world are legitimate and valued by others.
There, that should hold me over for a while.
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Wow, Ped. I dunno where you developed the idea that you were less than anyone else in this world, and I dunno who helped you to cultivate it into a grown adult idea. Which is something harder to shake off then if you came up with that one as a child and some positive reassurance would do quite nicely to help you shake it. Quite frankly I think you are being extremely hard on yourself, because in any situation you have as much right to be there, speak there, be present there as the queen of England and anyone who says differently is projecting the exact same feelings outwardly on to you, instead of soul searching to find the real reason that they feel this way. There is nothing wrong with being self aware. It can serve you very very well in this life, and I have met many many adults in this life where I have thought to myself "****ing Christ how can you be so un-self aware. " Knowing when say a particular behavior is unhealthy, destructive, or isolating can go along way in helping you change that, if that is your thing.
You are a smart, witty young woman and you literally have the the world by the balls, at this particular juncture in your life. (From your update post) Fake it until you make it. I know that sounds terrible, but if you walk, talk, and act like you have the confidence which others have, and pretend you have it as well it will come more naturally in your everyday life until it is a part of you. We learn as children the art of imitation, and when we do it often enough it becomes genuine over time. I went through a 18 month period where I had to learn how to have conversations with people, knowing that I speak 5 languages, and have experienced more in a life time then they ever will but all I saw in my own perception was a thrown away price of junkie trash, and I was apathetic for a long time. Until someone I admired, loved me enough to tell me that. And I tried it because what the hell nothin else worked. And it ****ing worked, now it doesn't matter who I am with, or where I am at, I, #1 know deep down that I am just as good as they are. And #2 understand that everyone is created equally, just not gifted equally. So the things I can do, my peers might not be able to do and vice versa, and instead of me being my own adversary, swearing I know what others think of me, I see myself as piece of a larger puzzle where I am just one piece of it. And attempting to understanding my role in it.
And lastly, others do not see you like you imagine they do. Not at all. You think you have an idea of what others see, and that is only a lie told to you by your ego. People have their own perceptions which directly effect their views. And that is tied to their personal experience in life. And no two people walk the same road in life, there is always a variance that being said, stop projecting your opinions of yourself onto other peoples minds. If you ever need anything, you know where my pm is... NOW GO GET EM!