Title: Progress
Series: DS9
Season: One
Writer(s): Peter Allan Fields
Main character(s): Kira
Plot: Kira tries to remove a stubborn farmer from a moon orbiting Bajor which is scheduled for development.
If any one episode ever typified how boring DS9 was, or could be, in its initial season, this is it. Progress? There's none. It's the slowest, most boring and dreary story which draws parallels to every homeowner or farmer or crazy uncle who's put his foot down and said “I'm stayin'!” when told they must evacuate their home. It seems that usually (and this was almost always the case) any episode focussing entirely on Kira was guaranteed to be slow and boring. This is no exception. We are not made feel sympathetic towards the farmer, who's a stubborn old bastard, nor Kira, who really does little and mostly refuses to grasp the nettle and just grab the guy the fu
ck off the planet. Hey girl! You're working for the Feds now. Time to put on your big girl knickers and face up to it. Even the subplot, with Nog and Jake trying to sell gear, is beyond poor.
Rating:
Title: Fair Haven
Series: VOY
Season: Six
Writer(s): Robin Burger
Main character(s): Janeway
Plot: Paris and Kim build a holographic representation of a “cute, quaint” Irish village on the holodeck. Why? God knows.
Oh, you knew this one was coming, didn't you? I'm known to be touchy, yes, but I always considered this to be the biggest insult to Irish people that
Star Trek writers had ever written, since O'Brien was unbelievably mistakenly seen singing “Jerusalem” with Bashir in “The wounded” on TNG. Jesus! It's basically
The Quiet Man in space. That's it. The whole episode takes place on the holodeck and everyone takes roles in the little Irish village. Of course, all of Ireland is like this you know --- F
uck! There goes another bloody leprechaun! Excuse me...
Ratign:
Title: I, Borg
Series: TNG
Season: Five
Writer(s): Rene Echevarria
Main character(s): Picard, Riker, Geordi
Plot: A lone Borg drone is “humanised” by the
Enterprise crew. Ah, bless.
I almost needed a new telly after this. I swear, I came close to throwing something at it. Having successfully created the most implacable enemy Starfleet had ever faced, totally alien, deaf to logic or pleas or bargains, they decide to make them human. Oh look! They're just like us. No they fu
cking aren't! I never felt the same about the Borg again after this. And Picard, given the opportunity to wipe out the whole hive, all Borg everywhere, and save billions of lives, has a crisis of conscience and refuses to do so. Has he never listened to Spock?
Rating:
Title: The Omega Glory
Series: TOS
Season: Two
Writer(s): Gene Roddenberry
Main character(s): Kirk, Spock, McCoy
Plot: The
Enterprise comes across two civilisations at war in which another Starfleet captain is helping one side. These two races are called --- wait for it --- Yangs and Comms. I can't go on...
Fuck you anyway Roddenberry, you bigoted, close-minded old c
unt. This is without question the worst episode of any
Star Trek series,
Enterprise excluded as I haven't seen it all. But I'd almost rather watch “Fair Haven” than this! The nationalistic jingoism, the chest-beating, the speech that the “Constituition is for all men, not just Yangs” makes me sick to my stomach. Kirk's fond glance at the stars-and-stripes as he leaves made me grind my teeth: I almost expected him to salute. Luckily he doesn't, or I would definitely have needed a new TV set!
Worst. Episode. Ever.
Rating:
Title: Spock's brain
Series: TOS
Season: Three
Writer(s): Lee Cronin (Gene L. Coon)
Main character(s): Spock, Kirk, McCoy
Plot: Spock's brain is stolen by some female aliens. Yeah.
You can laugh, and we all did, but at least it's not “The Omega Glory”! Seriously though: you start a new season (which, unbeknownst to you, will be your last) with this tripe and don't expect to be cancelled? The plot is laughable and wafer thin. How can Spock's brain --- anyone's brain --- continue to fucntion after it's been removed from the cranium? Words just fail me. Perhaps one of the best lines though --- unintentionally, it is to be assumed --- comes from one of the sexy women who took Spock's thinking gear, when she snaps “Brain and brain! What is brain?” Indeed. Ask Mr. Coon where his was when he wrote this drivel. Still, I guess at least you can laugh at it, which is more than you can say for the other one.
Rating: