04-16-2015, 03:23 PM
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#15110 (permalink)
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Toasted Poster
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: SoCal by way of Boston
Posts: 11,332
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Just stumbled across this review of the latest Kevin James movie. Yes, this is the entire review. 
Quote:
Here's our list of 20 things that aren’t quite as bad as Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2.
1. Twin hangnails.
2. Biting into a piece of fruit you discover to be rotten, then realise you’re too hungry to care so swallow the spoiled produce. This causes a work absence of four days.
3. When you’re grating cheese, you look away from the serrated edge when you think you’ve got a grove going, and then you slice off the top of your thumb at the joint.
4. Carrying a round of beers 450 metres through a crowded rock festival and spilling them all at the point of destination. You are met with no sympathy and have to return to purchase more beer, this time with moist ankles.
5. A power cut which occurs when you’re in a lift and are en route to the funeral of an old neighbour.
6. Accidentally having an Amazon package mailed to an old address and being forced to personally collect the item. When asked out of awkward courtesy what the item is by the new tenants of the house, you reveal that it’s a lesser known Eric Clapton album.
7. The point at which you discover you have an allergy to chocolate.
8. Having the front wheel of your bike stolen and knowing it was your fault for not amply securing it.
9. When a contact lens accidentally slides around the side of the eyeball. It remains there for 45 minutes, long enough to make you question returning to this method of ocular amelioration.
10. When a family pet accidentally swallows a lighter.
11. Losing an arm wrestling contest (best of three) in front of a prospective beau.
12. Discovering that your brand new house has been requisitioned by an officially sanctioned archeological dig and you’re moved into a motel in Stevenage for seven months. When you return to your new house, it feels somehow different.
13. Cycling up-hill in strong winds with a gammy leg.
14. Feeling a pebble in your shoe, taking action to remove it, then discovering it’s a human tooth.
15. The 1992 album 'Paris' by Malcolm McLaren.
16. Going for a run at the same time as a large group of primary school children are walking home. They all laugh at you.
17. Going on holiday to a remote beach destination with a friend and discovering that they are unrepentantly racist.
18. Being overcharged at restaurant but being too immersed in ennui to complain.
19. Watching other people bowling.
20. Witnessing a low-wage fast food worker crying. When you ask why, you discover they've just been told they'll, "never ice skate again".
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__________________
“The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well,
on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away
and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be.”
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