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Old 05-31-2015, 01:17 PM   #89 (permalink)
The Batlord
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Tankard: Beast of Bourbon - 2004




How the **** have I not done a Tankard entry in this thread? They're like... low rent². They are lowest common denominator thrash, with no originality, retarded lyrics, and have been releasing the same exact album for almost thirty years (sixteen identical releases and counting, and that's not including EPs). But it's impossible to hate Tankard. Plenty of people have low opinions of bands that everybody else loves, and there are more groups than you can shake a stick at that everyone agrees are garbage, whose only accomplishment is bringing their genre to new lows, but Tankard are just so much fun that even people who don't like thrash, or even metal in general, still can't help but smile at the above cover (I speak from experience), or the meatheaded glory of a song called "Space Beer".

They're like that guy at a party who gets way too drunk every single time, but everybody loves him, because he doesn't break things, is always a friendly drunk, and has the uncanny ability to transform even the most low key get together into an event to be remembered for years to come.

For the ignorant, Tankard sing about beer. Sometimes they sing about zombies, sex, aliens, and even the odd serious song, but they are almost entirely associated with songs about getting ****ed up. It's their thing, and God willing, it always will be.

I could have picked just about any of their albums to feature, as, again, they're all pretty much the same, and with only a couple not-so-notable exceptions, all feature similar lyrical idiocy. I've chosen Beast of Bourbon for two reasons that actually kind of go against the spirit of this thread: the production is fantastic and makes every song hit like a baseball bat to the temple, and their songwriting has improved -- relatively speaking -- to an extent that, though their sound is completely intact, they have produced an album that is strong pretty much from beginning to end (which is a pretty impressive feat for a band like Tankard).

Regardless of the possible stink of quality, however, this album just ****ing rips. It's the kind of Nuclear Assault-meets-Slayer worship that bands have been copying for years, but Tankard have perfected the formula on this album. Dear god does it kick ass. I'm halfway through my second playthrough in a row, and I'm not remotely tired of it yet. The two things that really set these dudes apart from their ****ty peers, are A.) the fact that they actually remember to crush your skull in while they're having fun, and B.) manage to channel an infectious energy that makes boredom simply impossible. High-energy riffs that absolutely kill, even if they're more than a little on the generic side, propelled into overdrive by intense, perfectly produced drums that could make the jackhammer obsolete. I'd love to see this band live, as I imagine it's just one long party, where it's actually acceptable to bring your beer into the mosh pit (AHEM! to all you people who do this at shows).

Tankard are from Germany (because of course they are), along with the Big Three of Teutonic thrash: Kreator, Sodom, and Destruction, but they've always been the red-headed step child of those groups due to their joke band status. Real talk though, I would rather listen to Beast of Bourbon than probably any release by any of those other bands (with the possible exception of Destruction's The Anti-Christ). It's just that fun and badass.

I don't know if it's appropriate to call these guys Metal Gods in the same league as Lemmy, Rob Halford, or Cliff Burton, but they've still managed to carve out their own glorious niche that is worthy of some kind of ironic respect.






Quite possibly the best song about anal fisting ever recorded.




And I just can't sign off without posting the "classic" promo video to "Space Beer" from their 1990 album, The Meaning of Life.

Spoiler for Space Beer:
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