The Batlord

Yeah, I'm doing this to myself...




Son of a bitch. I can't remember the last time I listened to Wiz Khalifa, but I don't... god damn it, it was that "Black and Yellow" song, wasn't it... yup. That was him. ****. Let's do this...




**** whoever is playing that douchebag piano and singing like a pussy.

I want to punch Wiz Khalifa in the face for being so useless. Everything about his flow is pointless and uninteresting. This is obviously one of those songs that relies on it's chorus (i.e. the douchebag cracker behind the piano), because clearly no one gives a **** about what Wiz is doing.

****. This is a four minute long pop song. That shouldn't happen. God I want to drown that ******* behind the piano. **** him **** him **** him **** him. On the bright side, I don't think I've heard Wiz "rap" for at least a full minute, possibly two.

Thank god that's done. **** that song.




On the bright side, all this pop I've been listening to is what made me want to do this, and Taylor Swift's Red album is the straw that broke that camel's back, so I'm almost wetting myself at the chance to hear a song off her newest album. But on the other, Kendrick Lamar? WTF?




WTF is this intro that's been tacked onto the video? I just listened to the first half second of the regular song and this isn't on it. Too bad. It's actually kind of cool.

So like, they're starting off with Kendrick? I mean, they gave us a... passable chorus by Taylor, but then it was just Kendrick for no apparent reason. Dear god, her lyrics on this song might be even worse than on "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together". At least that song was charmingly stupid. This is just lame. I was looking forward to this, but she's boring as **** and I don't really give a **** about Kendrick Lamar.

"Bandaids don't fix bullet holes"

That's ****ing deep, Taylor. God damn, I was assuming this would deliver. At least I could hate the Wiz track, but I just couldn't give less of a **** either way about this.

3. Fetty Wap - "Trap Queen"

"Fetty Wap"? Did he lose a bet or something? I wouldn't go outside if people referred to me as Fetty Wap. I mean, I don't go outside anyway, but that's just a personal preference, not crippling shame.




So basically, this is what gangsta rap would sound like if it was made by the softest mother****er ever born? Is this even rap? All he's doing is singing with a bit of a rhythm.

Oh there he goes. Almost two minutes in and he finally starts a verse. Well that was a good (i.e. mediocre) twenty seconds, and now we're back to the annoying sing/rapping.

I called this gangsta rap, but this is anything but. The video just looks exactly like a gangsta rap video: rapper wearing a bandana, lots of money on tables, the rapper's friends at a ****ty house in what is supposed to look like the ghetto, but just kind of looks like a suburban backyard filled with black people (which is close enough for most peckerwoods).

Yeah, I'm good with not hearing that again. Is there going to be a pop song that's actually catchy at some point? ****ing Fetty Wap. I hope he chokes on my wetty fap.

4. Omi - "Cheerleader"

Just looking at his picture, and he looks softer than baby shit. I have no idea what this dude's about to do.




Piano and a trumpet. Wasn't expecting that. Okay, dude. What's up?

Oh god damn it. Some Caribbean sounding mother****er singing boring modern R&B. Even the production is dull. What the **** is wrong with people? Pop music is supposed to be so catchy that it permanently invades a spot in your brain that you can never hope to extract it from. And yet, we get **** like this that is so dull it couldn't cut butter.

**** Omi. I feel like this is what "Who Let the Dogs Out" would sound like if the Baha Men decided that fun wouldn't sell. I don't even care if that's racist, cause **** the Caribbean for giving us this crap.

5. Walk the Moon - "Shut Up and Dance"

Walk the Moon, huh? I sense hipsters who have now been discarded by their brethren for making music that other people have actually heard.




So, is this, like, what a boy band would sound like making eighties synth pop? At least it's catchy. In fact, this is by far the catchiest thing I've heard yet. This segment may have just been worthwhile after all.

*The Batlord white boy dances*

Look away, dudes. It ain't pretty. Seriously though, fun dance beat and a chorus that'll actually stick in your head for longer than five minutes? We have a winner. One of those songs that's just one big chorus, not because the rest of the song is just kind of there to justify a chorus, but because the chorus is just too awesome to be contained.


Well, till next time, MB queers. Maybe. One out of five isn't exactly a motivating ratio to make me want to do this again.

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