Manowar - Gods of War (2007)
God damn it I hate this album. It's so long, so overblown, and so boring. I'm honestly not sure if I've been able to make it through the entire thing more than once, so I really can't give a real review. Rather than subject myself to it enough times that I can speak about it intelligently, I'm just gonna go track by track and review it like I do in my avant garde rec thread. At least then this might be good for a chuckle or two. **** me...
1.) "Overture to the Hymn of the Immortal Warriors" 6:20: This is not a song. This is an intro. A six minute intro. There is a two-and-a-half minute intro after this. That's almost ten minutes before the first song actually starts. **** me...
Oh yeah, it's a bunch of orchestral ****. Because four minutes of this wasn't more than I wanted on the last album. Just FYI, this is a concept album about the Norse gods, so there are a bunch of these kinds of things in-between songs to "set the mood" (i.e. bore the **** out of people).
And now there's a choir. ****. Not even two minutes in.
Organ goes DUN! DUN! DUN! That's epic. Please do something else. No, I didn't mean a tuba. Oh god.
And there's the choir again. I don't understand how this was all arranged. It certainly wasn't according to what sounded good. Still two ****ing minutes. I almost feel bad for trying to foist this on Plankton.
And that **** is done! Almost! There we go!
2.) "The Ascension" 2:30: There's that same choir and more wannabe orchestral **** that just missed the cut for the LOTR soundtrack. Is there going to be a reason why this was separated from the first-
Oh, there's some guy talking! Just going to assume he's talking about Odin. If this had begun the album then it might have been cheesy but fun, but it's been too tedious for too long.
Hey, there's Eric Adams singing over he choir. No less boring than anything that's come before TBH. And it transitions to...
3.) "King of Kings" 4:18: ... An actual song! Yay! Too bad it's this one. I clearly remember this being unmemorable.
Yeah, the riffs are pretty generic, and there isn't much going on to draw my attention. There isn't even an epic chorus to make me forget that the rest of the song is mediocre.
God damn it! The dude is talking about Odin again (or whatever, I don't really care enough to listen). The song just stops so this guy can drone on for a little bit, then it's a ballad for a little bit longer, and then we're back to the generic heavy/power metal.
Hey, Eric just tried a scream. It wasn't that great, and it sounded like they used some studio trickery to make it sound better, but at least they're trying. It's a metaphor for this album though: Manowar is putting their all into it, but all that effort just goes into pointless bull**** rather than actually making an album you'd want to listen to.
4.) "Army of the Dead, Part I" 1:59: Oh good, there's two of them. That makes me not want to listen to this twice as much.
Another choir! Although this one is more monk than Christmas pageant. Something about Valkyries, so I'm assuming this is about dead warriors going to Valhalla. Yep. Nice, boring chant about Valhalla.
I feel like a lot of the intros and outros on this album would be fine by themselves on another album that wasn't filled with the same ****, but all together they just become tedious. This isn't awful, but this is the fourth track on the album, and there's only been one song. **** that ****.
5.) "Sleipnir" 5:14: I seem to remember this and the next song being good, so I'm optimistic for the first time in... fifteen minutes. Jesus Christ.
Oh god, please don't let this intro go on for two minutes like they always do in Manowar songs. There's a horse running and neighing, and that dude is talking again, and we're at a minute already.
There we go, the intro only lasted a minute.
._.
Okay, I guess my memory of this being good was a relative thing. It's the best thing so far, but that's not saying much. It's not terrible, but it wouldn't even have made the cut for
Louder than Hell. At least it's almost over. I definitely remember digging the next song.
6.) "Loki God of Fire" 3:50: Bam! Next song hits like a boss. This is officially the first good riff on the album. What's with the production though? Kinda weak. This song could be totally heavier. Still, pretty bitchin' song with a nice chorus.
Not anticipating consistency though.
7.) "Blood Brothers" 4:54: I have no way of knowing when a song is a song or an intro/outro. You'd think length would be a hint, but not necessarily. Eric Adams is singing over synths, so I'm assuming this is an actual song, just with an overlong beginning.
There's like, guitar and drums going on in the background, but I still hesitate to say that this is a real song, cause nothing has happened yet. Just two-and-a-half minutes of build up. This isn't even a ballad.
Alright, I think this is a song, because the guitar just ramped up a bit, but I still refuse to call this a real song.
Why is this five minutes long? It doesn't need to be. No payoff can justify four minutes of utter boredom.
Okay. So there wasn't even a payoff. Just five minutes of boring bull**** that went absolutely nowhere. I think it says a lot about this album and Manowar's songwriting abilities that I wasn't sure whether it was a song or an intro until it was half over, and even then I wasn't 100%.
8.) "Overture to Odin" 3:42: I think I'm safe in assuming this is an intro. I'm curious if Manowar even knows what an overture is. Don't get me wrong, I have no idea either, but I would never use "overture" in one of my song titles.
Boring violins. Goody. Some synths. **** a duck, I think this might be almost four minutes of boring violins and boring synths. Wait, there's a tuba. I think that's how I'm supposed to know it's an overture.
What the ****?! Why did Manowar do this ****? There's nothing about this that has anything to do with their core sound. There's nothing to make this anything other than a non-sequitor in the middle of an album that it has nothing musically to do with. And it's so ****ing long!
Yup. Four minutes of synths, violins, a tuba, and apparently an organ, all of which are somehow supposed to invoke the feeling of Odin on a trashy metal album. All the things that Manowar haters say about this band, I say about this album, because it kills my patience to the point that we're all now on the same page.
9.) "The Blood of Odin" 3:57: I **** you not, this is the second of four songs with "Odin" in it. One of which is just called "Odin". I'm curious how they decided that "Odin" was just so much more about Odin than all the other Odin songs that it deserved to be called simply "Odin".
It's been three songs since a non-into/outro/ballad, and I'm praying for some ass kicking. I'm just getting more of that narrator dude talking about Odin. There's some drumming going on (like those heavy bass drums in an orchestra, not "band drums").
God damn it, two minutes in and nothing yet. Are you ****ing kidding me? Another intro followed by an intro? **** you, Manowar. I want to punch someone.
Oh, and this is about how Odin gave his eye and got nailed to a tree in exchange for wisdom, which is actually a pretty bitchin' legend.
10.) "Sons of Odin" 6:24: Yay! A song. Possibly a good one too. Can't be sure yet. Doesn't seem like it's gonna be a classic, but I'll take what I can get at this point.
Meh. Not awful, but if this is the best they got then I'm in Just Waiting Until the Album Is Over mode.
It feels like they went back to the passionless, tepid rock/metal of
Louder than Hell, but without any of the catchiness to make the mediocrity more enjoyable. Songwise, this really isn't any better than
The Lord of Steel, and at least I didn't have to sit through twelve hours of intros for that album.
11.) "Glory Majesty Unity" 4:42: Intro? I hear wolves and bass drums. Now synths. Rain. Intro? Don't know. I'm now making the sign of the cross to protect myself against the evils of orchestral bull****.
****. Almost two minutes in and the narrator pops up again. This is an intro. At least there are only five songs left after this. I shouldn't have to say "at least there are only
five songs left".
Lol. They're reciting the Warrior's Prayer after having fought some battle. Dear god, just end.
12.) "Gods of War" 7:26: This has to be a song. They can't follow a five minute intro with a seven minute one. Even Manowar aren't that stupid. It's the ****ing title track for Odin's sake.
Some kind of drumming, and orchestral singing that sounds more like a war march. Coolest thing by far on the album yet. Now if only the song that
must be about to happen can liven up to that, then we might be in business for once.
Some actually epic orchestral ****, a slow guitar riff that's got some weight behind it, nice synths. I'm not willing to declare victory yet, but this is promising.
And of course it all stops so Eric Adams can talk.
Epic **** starts back up. Already three minutes in. WTF? This is cool and all, but this is not a song. Still the best thing off the album up till this point.
Then Eric starts talking again, and then the epic orchestral war march stuff starts again. So this is just what this "song" is. I'd honestly put this on a Manowar playlist though. If it were shorter it'd be good to put at the beginning, but maybe in the middle or at the end or something. Definitely too long.
13.) "Army of the Dead, Part II" 2:21: Oh look. The other one. Yay.
*insert derisive comment about boring, unnecessary, orchestral bull*****
14.) "Odin" 5:27: Three more songs. One of which is a bonus track that has nothing to do with the rest of the album. And I'm assuming the last proper track is an outro. There's no way Manowar would end this album without a boring outro. Honestly, I can't be sure this isn't also a boring outro that will then lead into the second boring outro.
Hey, Eric is singing. Song.
One of those heavy ballads that Manowar usually does so well, but unless I'm just fatigued after an hour of this garbage then this is ****. The song is almost done and has left almost no impression on me.
15.) "Hymn of the Immortal Warriors" 5:29: If this isn't an outro then I'm going to be totally surprised.
Hey, I think this might be a song. Might be a ballad. Blah, blah, blah, boring, blah, blah, blah, orchestral nonsense, blah, blah, blah, overblown, blah, blah, blah, somebody shoot me, blah, blah, blah, narrator, blah, blah, blah, this album is ****.
16.) "Die for Metal" (bonus track) 5:17: ****. Yes. Why the rest of the album isn't this awesome I have no idea. Clearly they have the ability to write awesome metal songs if they can still pump out one like this, and yet they tack it onto the end of the worst album they ever wrote as a bonus track. I don't understand that at all.
I've already listened to this song more times than I can count. It's one of the cheesiest songs they've ever written and it's amazing. I'm just going to add it at the end so you can partake of its brilliance.
Final verdict: I think there might actually have been more intros and orchestral garbage than actual Manowar songs on this **** heap, and the songs that are actually on here are so mediocre and unmemorable that I remember all the stuff around them more than what should have been the meat of the album, making it seem less like a cohesive listening experience than... I don't even know. Something that sucks. **** this album. I don't even have the energy to sum things up anymore cause
Gods of War made me not care about life.
Seriously, don't get this album. Just steal "Die for Metal" off the internet and save yourself the aggravation.