How to Prepare Spam
A Step-by-Step Instructional Guide

Step 1: Take Spam out of the cabinet.
Step 2: Hit yourself in the head with it repeatedly.
Step 3: Take a good hard look at your goddamn life.
Step 4: Pull yourself together, goddamn it.
Step 5: Throw that shit in the garbage.
Step 6: Go take a damn shower.
Step 7: Take your ass to the store.
Step 8: Buy some goddamn potatoes.
Step 9: Carry potatoes home in burlap sack.
Step 10: Call a friend to assist you in bludgeoning yourself
until you apologize for your entire life and everything you've done in it
that has led up to your consideration of Spam
as an acceptable food substance.