2.3 “The Wapping conspiracy”
New character!
Jeff Dicquead, played by Berwick Kaler, intrepid reporter whose career exactly mirrors Alan's, in reverse. As B'Stard rises through the echelons of power, Jeff falls further down the chain, this reflected in the newspapers and rags he ends up working for. He doesn't figure prominently in the series, but it is amusing to see how Alan treats him, and how far he falls. Here he is reasonably gainfully employed, announcing himself as working for The Star, one of Britain's top tabloids.
Having been made the Parliamentary Secretary for the newly-formed Young Ladies' Recreational Society (like putting a fox in charge of a henhouse!) Alan is hosting a reception at his home when damning accusations of sexual impropriety air on the television. Shocked, his guest all leave and Alan, after a searing row with Sarah in which they each accuse one another of the grossest marital infidelities, (all probably true) determines to take the newspaper making the allegations to court. After Piers, as his defence counsel, makes as expected a mess of things, Alan decides to defend himself, and makes mincemeat of the defendant. The journalist, Arthur Cox, crumbles and admits he made the whole thing up and faked the pictures, and Alan has won the case.
But of course it's never that simple. It turns out that the whole thing was concocted between B'Stard and the journalist, in order to split the damages from the case. When the “disgraced” reporter calls around to celebrate and collect his cheque however, Alan double-crosses him, recording the conversation on a pocket tape recorder, which now gives him the opportunity to take another, proper case against him, this time for accusing a Member of Parliament of attempting to pervert the course of justice! Well, if you will make a deal with the devil...
QUOTES
Schoolgirl (looking at a statue of a politician): “Excuse me, Sir, who is this?”
Alan: “Search me! Some obscure, forgotten politician? Roy Hattersley?”
Other Schoolgirl: “He can't be that obscure if he's got a bust.”
Alan: “Well,
you've got a bust and nobody gives a toss who
you are!”
Alan: “I have had just about enough of you! There's always one: ugly, fat, acne-ridden swot, with glasses and overactive subaceous glands who has to show off to make up for his or her --- and in your case, I'm deliberately hedging my bets! --- physical repugnance! What's your name?”
Schoolgirl: “Agnes Tebbitt!”
Alan: “Oh. Er, any ... any relation?”
Agnes: “Niece!
Favourite niece!”
(Norman, now Lord Tebbitt was a high-ranking politician in Thatcher's government, and very much one of B'Stard's superiors. For our American friends, she might as well have said her name was Agnes Bush!)
Alan: “Mister Speaker: isn't it odd that it's always fat ladies with mustaches who call me a sexist pig, whereas attractive, leggy one with long golden hair tend to shout “More, Alan, more!””
Alan: “Pardon my wife, Dame Cecily: she's blind in one eye,” (when out of earshot) “or she will be, in about ten seconds flat! Sarah! What the hell has gotten into you?”
Sarah: “If it's any of your business, darling, a rather butch usher from the public gallery!”
Alan: “Sarah, why are you deliberately trying to sabotage my career?”
Sarah: “Well why shouldn't I? You sabotaged my career.”
Alan: “What career?”
Sarah: “Shopping. If you want a loyal, devoted Tory wife by your side pay off my credit card bill.”
Alan: “Well I would, but it's a choice between paying your dress bill and personally financing Britain's independent nuclear deterrent!”
Sarah: “Shall I tell him about the old English sheepdog, and why we had to have all his fur cut off?”
Alan: “Well at least Bonzo was a mammal! Let's talk
reptiles! Let's talk about Brian, the obliging iguana!”
Sarah: “At least Brian was grateful, and it lasted more than thirty seconds.”
Jeff Dicquead: “Alan! Alan! Jeff Dicquead,
The Star. Are you confident of winning this case?”
Alan: “No, I'm expecting to lose, but I want to waste the judge's time, incur crippling legal expenses and render myself
persona non grata in every home in Britain.”
Dicquead: “Can I quote you on that?”
Alan: “I doubt it: I used some rather large words.”
Prosecutor: “So what would you say, Mrs B'Stard, if I were to tell you that I can produce a witness --- a young court usher --- who will testify that you performed an obscene act on him using a Jerusalem artichoke, a pair of jump leads and, not to put too fine a point on it, a pencil sharpener?”
Proscutor (after the judge and the girls have sang “Ging gang gooly”): “Thank you My Lord: the court is alive to the sound of music. But to return to the more sombre melodies we must sing down here, and particularly to Tracy Hopkin, aged 15, Pamela Green, aged 15 and a half, and Ralph, a crossbreed collie, age unknown.”
B'Stard's closing (and opening) speech: “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. Look at this pathetic, evil, subhuman man. Can you be surprised that he hates me? I'm witty, I'm infinitely better looking, I drive around in a Bentley and I have a beautiful wife. Whereas you (turning to the defendant) are a malformed, scropulous, clapped-out old alcoholic who's only got a job because all the quality journalists resigned when your newspaper moved to Wapping.”
Machinations
Even for a B'Stard scheme this one is up there. Alan gets together with a journalist from one of the tabloids to concoct a libel case. He, shocked at such allegations, will take the paper to court, at the appropriate dramatic moment the journalist will fold, agreeing he set everything up, and the paper will pay half a million in damages to B'Stard, who will split it with his partner. But a quarter of a million is of course not enough for the greedy Tory, and he stabs the journalist in the back, claiming to be outraged by the suggestion that it was all a setup, in the process not only pocketing the half mil but surely earning more in damages from his erstwhile partner personally!
The User and the Used
And of course, in the same way, Arthur Cox is used by B'Stard. He uses him when it is expedient; pretending to promise to honour the agreement he makes with him but then using him as a patsy when he realises he can. Whether this was in his plan all along or he simply decided in the flush of victory that he wanted to keep all the money (and preserve and indeed enhance his reputation) is unclear, yet in a way he's playing a dangerous game here. As it is, the case has gone his way and nobody suspects anything, but when the second court case comes up (if it does and Cox doesn't settle out of court to avoid a possible prison sentence) and the seed of doubt is sown, perhaps some people may begin to think that you know, yeah, it was all a little convenient the way Cox just broke down so easily and with so little prompting. Maybe there is something in his accusation after all...
What is love?
Although they manifestly hate and loathe each other, B'Stard realises the importance of presenting a united front for the cameras and asks Sarah to support him. He realises that if there were to be any hint of acrimony or disharmony (it can be assumed that Sarah's extramarital dalliances, to say nothing of his own, are kept strictly private and everyone thinks they have a good marriage) might serve to damage the case. But Sarah hates him and wants to see him fail. So how to convince her? As ever, diamonds are a girl's best friend, and Sarah demands a share of the damages in return for playing her part. Ah, young love!
PCRs
B'Stard exhorts a party guest to have more sherry, enthusing that it is South African. This is in a time when the evils of Apartheid were still in force in South Africa, and it was considered bad taste to buy or use anything from that country. This just serves to show what a right wing Tory bastard the MP is.
The B'Stard bodycount
Non-Lethal: Arthur Cox: Although not killed, the journalist's career certainly is. He probably handed in, or intended to hand in his notice before or after the case, and now that he has been implicated in another scandal he has no chance at all of ever getting a job with any newspaper. His dreams of retiring on the proceeds of his shared scam with B'Stard have been shattered by the Tory's betrayal of him, and he has nothing left to live for. We don't find out what happens to him, but I'll bet he becomes a hopeless raging alcoholic living under a bridge somewhere, assuming he doesn't top himself.
Non-lethal Bodcount: 6
Lethal Bodycount: 4
Total Bodycount: 10
And isn't that...?
Peter Moran is played by Andy Serkis, best known for portraying Gollum in the
Lord of the Rings and
Hobbit movie series.
Peter Woods and Richard Whitmore, both television newsreaders, appear as themselves in the fictionalised broadcasts of B'Stard's supposed indiscretions.