Quote:
Originally Posted by Lucem Ferre
I slit my wrist to give the pen ink
drenched the **** then let the text seep
from it's twisted tip it possessed me
with it's sinister drips to let death sing
out in a melody that speaks hellishly
a platform to cast out all the demons that dwell in me
I use it selfishly or so they're tellin' me
but really they're just ****ing scared of my devil speach
I killed five kids and recorded the violence
with a sound track of violins playing so vibrant
theme of the tyrant dark as the night is
trying to kill any light that tries to shine inside it
blasphemous paintings tragic and crazy
painted in the blood of battered up babies
stabbed in their backs with no chance for their saving
then scattered their ashes to paint the blackness that taints me
|
Trying too hard here.
And that opening line got a snort of laughter out of me.
Not even playing,
This sh*t's a catastrophe.
On a serious note. You don't need to be so dark thematically to get your point across. Your narrative is choppy. You could take a less complicated approach and this would be that much better.
Trim some words. Some of those lines go on too long. I won't hold your hand here, you should know where you should do the editing.