I masturbated the same amount as an insane person over the last few days(quite literally). I don't get very horney a lot of the time, nor when im drunk, but man when im hungerover and not thinking right i kinda lose it.
I feel ashamed over my pornography habits. Some of the things I've watched are pretty messed up, so is some of the rather specific music i listen to. I don't think right--listenining to burzum.
I think all this is exaggerated by sheer loneliness and isolation; i don't talk to anyone for weeks at a time even while going to class and such. Maybe talk about an assignment with someone.
I scare myself a lot. Driving home blackout runk and had to get my car towed--checked police reports and news sites for weeks and still feel scared of hitting someone and going to prison.
Last night i got blackout drunk and tried to enter a random apartment building because i heard a party in there and wanted to join.
I can't do the most basic things like eating and keeping my surroundings clean a lot of the time. I watched alcoholism destroy my father over a short period where he lost all his teeth and started having heart attacks.
Sometimes i honestly wish I had a lady who would hold me or just be there for me to help mediate my maladaptive behavior and talk so im not self loathing all day.
It's a weird existence but talking to you guys helps me feel better.
I'm pretty sure im psychotic and been prescribed antipsychotics before but don't take them because the clear days are still good.
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