prisoner437x3y0

the music i listen to--some of which i've posted isn't propagandist but i think is pretty bad human character

i really need to stop listening to music to clear my head, alcohol pornography and ****ed up music all the time gets me in some weird, uncomfortable places sometimes...

Anybody who has ever tried to help me in life I have screwed over. I don't work well with others, cant hold down a job because of how strange i am makes most workplaces dislike me or me dislike them

I can go on and on with this crap for ever and i don't know why it sounds crazy but im trying to demand life satisfy my crying and incapability because of my psychosis and belief life is talking to me...its hard to explain. it's not schizophrenia.

i have kind off a phobia of being around other people having sex because it humiliates me

i am a tiny little white person and cant tell if how why or when i started behaving like fake thug but result of other thugs(who i am pretty sure actual crazy dudes) saying i was one jokingly or seriously it is so weird but it happened a lot

and while being a thug i was also behaving extremely feminine sometimes--first male worker in some sections of the company i worked for, didn't even realize how i was acting until later.

I think what im doing is the equivalent of journaling unfortunately, but i think i like knowing people are reading my crap otherwise its almost as if i don't exist entirely

edit: giving further obsession, rumination and general mind reeling I guess I do display some thug, white trash, bummy behavior. I only go the the job high or drunk. I end up arguing with customers, or other people. I almost fought a giant black dude at a mcdonalds not that long ago ffs. I drive drunk and high. I had a cop thankfully not arrest me a few times or i could be really screwed. I have cut it pretty close sometimes, got kicked out of school.

Then you consider how shy, introverted, quiet, unconfident, anxious, courteous, apologetic and generally scared of women. I mostly draw pictures or journal...

it just doesn't seem to work as a person, too much incongruence. I think i do all this description to be different, or make my life seem interesting to myself and others but really there are so many people like me that are happier and functional given worse circumstances that it really boils down to my overwhelming emotional reactions to things, which is both pathetic and problematic.

Gonna sober up starting tonight--i got like 5 finals next week in classes im barely passing and have not studied for or kept with as being drunk and lying around in my **** hole single room living space.