Kingdom of mirriors was an improvement (the actual line I mean) but theres alot here that I would improve still. I was thinking, it might help if you changed the narration. 2nd person isn't the best for what you're doing here. What about 3rd person omnicent?
It still feels like a guessing game. Tell me exactly what you're after here, it will help us all give you better information. If that was confusing what im looking for is a responce that ebgins like
"What I was going for here was..."
|