not to bring down your natural high, but ive really got a few major problems with it
Now its obvious that you have talent, but you definately have some things to work on (lol saying your amazing doesnt help anyone progress, so it might get a bit harsh)
the major problem i have with this piece is the d@mn rhyming... now i have no problem with rhyming itself, but when someone like you, with awesome potential gets it into their head that they have to rhyme, i really dont like it. The problem is that your so worried about rhyming that you seem to care less about the actual concepts of your writing. I mean come on casks? Its a real word and all... but i wouldnt want to find a person dropping out of a beer keg at a party... are you thinking of caskets?
The only other thing you need to work on is imagery, and literary devices.
things like imagery really help bring more life to your works, and literary devices like metaphors, similes etc. make it seem more original and gets rid of alot of the cliches that can really ruin a good concept.
dont mean to put you down man, always trying to help you... keep at it and good job man, you're well on your way
could you crit my piece Arsonist at My Doorstep? id really like to hear what you think about it...
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