Music Banter - View Single Post - A Journey Through The Mind of a Loner: A Kiiii Story

Key · 12-07-2016, 02:29 PM

Life: Part 1

There are times in a given day where I wonder what it'd be like if I were no longer here. Sometimes it seems like the only way to truly feel what it'd be like is to off myself. But my inner me tells me not to. Now why is that? It's pretty simple: I have something to live for. But are those things worth living for really worth living for? There are 4 or 5 separate things I think about on a daily basis, and 99% of the time, my mind doesn't stray from those 4 or 5 things. They are as follows:

-Think about the guilt I feel about the fact that my ex lives on the street and I keep seeing them at the most inopportune times. I don't have any lingering feelings for her, but I've been told that it's completely normal to feel this way. I've gone through this before with my older brother who is also in the same position. Part of my mind continues to think "i wonder what it's like living on the street in the cold" and another part of me is "they made their bed, they can lay in it."
-Should I go out today and look for a 40 hour job and use it for the sole purpose of keeping me busy and nothing else. I do a lot of sitting at home in fear of going outside that I'm at the point where I can't converse with people because I'm basically socially retarded at this point.
-How is my cat doing and is he as spoiled as he can be? When I wake up, I get my coffee, and I sit with my cat for about an hour before I get the motivation to continue with my day, which evidently never happens as I'm in the same place I've been in for nearly half a year.
-Write an article for work. Then get to the author page and feel depressed at the lack of progress I made. At that point I'm so demotivated that I turn my computer off and crawl into bed for the rest of the day. When this happens, I sit in bed for over half the day until it's bedtime, then I fall asleep.

I repeat this pretty much every day, and each thing I choose to think about, I get depressed. Which evidently leads to me coming onto this forum and going off on people for no reason. Then of course that leads me to leave the site and come back a week later. Of course, that just leads back into the circle I've inadvertently created for myself. It's a dangerous cycle and those lucky enough to have their life figured out at my age make me both jealous and apathetic.

There are also times in my life (albeit more recently) where I've considered jumping out of a 3 story window and ending it there. But I don't. I have a lot to live for, at least that's what I like to believe. When written down on paper however, you'd have difficulty finding anything in my life that's worth living for. No girlfriend, no love life whatsoever, no aspirations, no degree, no end goal. I have a cat and click-bait. Pathetic right?

Here's the deal: I live in a family and have lived in this family where it's nothing but success stories and getting somewhere in life early on. Most (or I should say 99%) of my family had their lives figured out before they were 21 or 22. They were done with college or close to it, they had the jobs they wanted and have been happy since then. I on the other hand am 25 and don't see my life getting better until the day I die. The thing is, I can't stress about it because I don't want to die thinking I stressed too much. But it's rather difficult when the rest of the family you live in is based on success stories and living life to the fullest. When I think about that, I get into a state of depression and don't bother pressing forward. Again, it's part of that vicious circle i'm in.

The last thing I deal with is people coming up to me or texting me/calling me out on my **** and telling me "just get over it, you're a good guy." You can say that as many times as you want, but it doesn't have any effect on me. I'm the epitome of a piece of ****, and I've treated people like **** in my life to the point where I feel sorry for people that get in contact with me. It's my own doing for feeling this way, I'm aware. It could be as easy as "just getting over it," but I can't do it. People around me are constantly moving, living in their homes, with their loved ones, and their pets. And what do I have? My ****ty music and my cat. Granted, I've been told I have a good way of making music, but I can't stand anything I've made. I know that's part of the self deprecating deal, but I can't get out of it.

All the while, with all of this going through my mind, I manage to do the same exact thing every single day. It's to the point where it's a ritual, and if I stray away from one instance of that ritual, I get anxious and let it defeat me from the inside. The ritual is as follows:
-Wake up
-Turn on TV and watch the episode of "Northernlion plays The Binding of Isaac"
-Drink 2 cups of coffee
-Take my cat for a walk
-Sit on computer and attempt to write
-Receive emails from potential employers, though don't respond as I don't want to stray from the norm.
-Go to TheRichest and try to write. Fail. Turn off computer.
-Go into house, make lunch, come back into room, get in bed, and waste the day.
-Go to sleep.
-Repeat daily.

That pretty much sums it up for now. That's it for Part 1. Part 2 coming soon.

12-07-2016, 02:29 PM	#9 (permalink)
Key . Join Date: Dec 2010 Posts: 13,153	Life: Part 1 There are times in a given day where I wonder what it'd be like if I were no longer here. Sometimes it seems like the only way to truly feel what it'd be like is to off myself. But my inner me tells me not to. Now why is that? It's pretty simple: I have something to live for. But are those things worth living for really worth living for? There are 4 or 5 separate things I think about on a daily basis, and 99% of the time, my mind doesn't stray from those 4 or 5 things. They are as follows: -Think about the guilt I feel about the fact that my ex lives on the street and I keep seeing them at the most inopportune times. I don't have any lingering feelings for her, but I've been told that it's completely normal to feel this way. I've gone through this before with my older brother who is also in the same position. Part of my mind continues to think "i wonder what it's like living on the street in the cold" and another part of me is "they made their bed, they can lay in it." -Should I go out today and look for a 40 hour job and use it for the sole purpose of keeping me busy and nothing else. I do a lot of sitting at home in fear of going outside that I'm at the point where I can't converse with people because I'm basically socially retarded at this point. -How is my cat doing and is he as spoiled as he can be? When I wake up, I get my coffee, and I sit with my cat for about an hour before I get the motivation to continue with my day, which evidently never happens as I'm in the same place I've been in for nearly half a year. -Write an article for work. Then get to the author page and feel depressed at the lack of progress I made. At that point I'm so demotivated that I turn my computer off and crawl into bed for the rest of the day. When this happens, I sit in bed for over half the day until it's bedtime, then I fall asleep. I repeat this pretty much every day, and each thing I choose to think about, I get depressed. Which evidently leads to me coming onto this forum and going off on people for no reason. Then of course that leads me to leave the site and come back a week later. Of course, that just leads back into the circle I've inadvertently created for myself. It's a dangerous cycle and those lucky enough to have their life figured out at my age make me both jealous and apathetic. There are also times in my life (albeit more recently) where I've considered jumping out of a 3 story window and ending it there. But I don't. I have a lot to live for, at least that's what I like to believe. When written down on paper however, you'd have difficulty finding anything in my life that's worth living for. No girlfriend, no love life whatsoever, no aspirations, no degree, no end goal. I have a cat and click-bait. Pathetic right? Here's the deal: I live in a family and have lived in this family where it's nothing but success stories and getting somewhere in life early on. Most (or I should say 99%) of my family had their lives figured out before they were 21 or 22. They were done with college or close to it, they had the jobs they wanted and have been happy since then. I on the other hand am 25 and don't see my life getting better until the day I die. The thing is, I can't stress about it because I don't want to die thinking I stressed too much. But it's rather difficult when the rest of the family you live in is based on success stories and living life to the fullest. When I think about that, I get into a state of depression and don't bother pressing forward. Again, it's part of that vicious circle i'm in. The last thing I deal with is people coming up to me or texting me/calling me out on my ** and telling me "just get over it, you're a good guy." You can say that as many times as you want, but it doesn't have any effect on me. I'm the epitome of a piece of , and I've treated people like in my life to the point where I feel sorry for people that get in contact with me. It's my own doing for feeling this way, I'm aware. It could be as easy as "just getting over it," but I can't do it. People around me are constantly moving, living in their homes, with their loved ones, and their pets. And what do I have? My **ty music and my cat. Granted, I've been told I have a good way of making music, but I can't stand anything I've made. I know that's part of the self deprecating deal, but I can't get out of it. All the while, with all of this going through my mind, I manage to do the same exact thing every single day. It's to the point where it's a ritual, and if I stray away from one instance of that ritual, I get anxious and let it defeat me from the inside. The ritual is as follows: -Wake up -Turn on TV and watch the episode of "Northernlion plays The Binding of Isaac" -Drink 2 cups of coffee -Take my cat for a walk -Sit on computer and attempt to write -Receive emails from potential employers, though don't respond as I don't want to stray from the norm. -Go to TheRichest and try to write. Fail. Turn off computer. -Go into house, make lunch, come back into room, get in bed, and waste the day. -Go to sleep. -Repeat daily. That pretty much sums it up for now. That's it for Part 1. Part 2 coming soon.