Music Banter - View Single Post - A Journey Through The Mind of a Loner: A Kiiii Story

Key · 01-11-2017, 04:17 PM

Quote:

Over the course of the last 6 or so months, I've had to really put things into perspective while dealing with an insurmountable quantity of self inflicted guilt. As I've grown as a person upon becoming single, breaking off a relationship that just wasn't working and moving back into a comfortable home, I've had to also evade going into certain places because the reality of the situation was that my ex and her new love were homeless. Nobody in their right mind ever wants to hear someone they used to care about is homeless because you decided to leave. While doing so, I've had to refrain from hearing about anything involving her because it hurt too much. That was not the right call. Over the last couple weeks, I couldn't even go out shopping without seeing them. That in itself brought on more guilt.
Now, my point: Today, I got a text from said ex (after not hearing from them for several weeks, even months. All I heard was through the grapevine) asking me how my Christmas was. My instinct was to ignore the text, block the number it came from (again), and think nothing of it and live in my own guilt for the day. Instead, I conversed. I talked. I discussed what I thought. I listened. I responded in a nice manner and didn't judge. What this has done is a few things: One, I've learned the homeless lifestyle they were living is no longer the lifestyle they're living (whether that is indeed true I really don't know). I've been informed that they are living somewhere. On top of that, they're working. Both of them. Which is surprising since when I left, they didn't want anything to do with jobs.
I guess what I'm getting at is: with 2017 being the year that everybody wants to do good things, you have to start somewhere. It won't happen automatically. I had to set my own standard. Instead of feeling guilty for the rest of my life, I decided that it's in my best interest personally to finally lay it out on my ex and discuss what happened and what led to me leaving and what led to where we are today. At the end of the day, what happened happened. And a lot of **** hit the fan because of it (a lot!). Today, I'm finally able to say that I've come to accept what happened (after not being able to for so long. Sorry, that's how my mind works). I've been able to tell her what I know (again, through the grapevine), and what has happened. And she responded in the same way.
What this does is it allows me to not only move on from this and finally live my life the way I want. I now no longer have to look over my shoulder and wonder if they're there. I now no longer have to walk past the old apartment complex we lived in and think "what if?" I now no longer have to wonder if they really are living on the street, I now no longer have to evade certain areas of where I live because I fear I will see them, and I now no longer have to feel bad for what took place.
At the end of the day, both parties were at fault. We've both concluded that life is too short. She's going to live her life. I'm going to live mine. No judgement can be passed and no guilt can be felt. My main message here is: if you have enough strength, you can fix the problem that creates the guilt, and finally move on to live your life the way you want with no guilt. If someone hurt you, confront them. Talk it out. Be the person you want to be a year from now. Don't leave things unfinished. Be good.

Update.