Nell seems to like it too: “I'd like to exchange data with that thing!” she purrs. Sure you would, you old space whore.
Nanelia seems incensed to hear a female voice on John Boy's ship, which, considering she hardly knows him and has not yet admitted to any feelings for him is pretty unbalanced really. Meh, typical female territorialism I guess. They set a rendezvous where they will, you know, rendezvous later. Meanwhile old Sador is not too happy with the “
fuck you” message he gets back from the other species he has been threatening (who says space tyrants can't multitask?) and does his best dark scowl. Looks like the folks over at Umateal are off his Christmas card list. Off everyone's Christmas card list, if he has his way.
John Boy reflects that Nanelia “is an interesting form”. Yeah, she has nice tits JB: we noticed. But before you can say “autopilot mode, Nell, I have to use the restroom” they're under attack, with very familiar music (original Battlestar Galactica? Not sure but oh James!) and it sounds like they're being attacked by the creatures from Robotron:
“Intruder alert! Stop the humanoid!” Those sound effects are right out of some late seventies videogame for sure! Actually, let's be honest here: they're not being attacked, it's another ship that's under fire, though the pilot, a relaxed and laconic George Peppard, doesn't seem too bothered. He loves it when a plan comes together, but if it doesn't, well to hell with it. He's the Space Cowboy, and this is not his first rodeo. That is the first and last western reference I will make to him.
Disclaimer: The above statement is a lie.
Leaning back in his chair with his hat tilted over his eyes, Han Solo, sorry Space Cowboy puts out a distress call. “Can we help him?” John Boy asks, to which Nell replies caustically “Not without a fight!” Well what did she think he was going to do? Ask the aliens nicely to stop firing? Invite them to a summit where they would try to open a dialogue and settle their differences peacefully? Play some sitar music? Eager to try to put his pacifistic John Boy Walton image behind him (lots of luck with that, guy!) the intrepid Akiran piles into the fight and the alien ship, either turned on or surprised to be attacked by a pair of flying boobs, is taken unawares.
Mind you, you can take the Richard Thomas out of the Waltons but you can't take the Waltons out of Richard Thomas. I know I said something similar earlier. I'm getting bored here: we're only half an hour into a film that still has twice that amount to run! Anyway, he baulks at the idea of attacking his unknown target from behind, and as he squeals “Not from behind, Nell! Not from behind!” if Nanelia can pick up his transmission she'll be rolling her eyes and jettisoning that analyser out into space about now. Nell however takes charge: she doesn't care about hitting from behind and truth to tell has probably taken it up the ass more times than you or I have had hot dinners, so now despite John Boy's outrage that she fired without him they're in the middle of a dogfight.
The Robotron ships, seeing a new player enter, peel off and attack him. They are no match for Nell's tit-lasers though and they're soon toast. Nell tells John Boy “You done fine kid”, which proves that though she may be an artificial intelligence her creator did not apparently see fit to install a grammar chip in her system. Or a respect module, come to think about it. Space Cowboy is happy to be rescued, though to be honest he looked not too worried about dying anyway: looked like as far as he was concerned, either way was good. He is however grateful to his rescuer and offers to show him his collection of old western movies, but realising that this might give the origin of the plot for this movie away John Boy quickly steers the conversation towards the more important idea of recruiting help for his poor defenceless --- and piss poor --- planet.
George ain't too thrilled with the idea; he knows Sador and says they'd have a snowball's chance in Hell of beating him (what if it was a really BIG, FROZEN snowball and the heating was on the fritz that day...? No?), while to underline his point they watch the Umateals pay the price, both for having defied the warlord and having such a stupid name, as their planet is turned into a cinder. Oh yeah, jsut noticed: the dark music used whenever Sador appears is the same used for the approach of V'ger in “Star Trek: the (slow) Motion Picture”! James you devil! Did you write that one too? Oh no you didn't you little tinker! Jerry Goldsmith will not be happy: he's strapping on his Doc Martens as we speak!
John Boy looks surprised to see the stellar converter in action. What? Did he think Sador was bluffing? Oh yeah: evil megalomaniacal overlords always bluff, don't they? Mind you, the effect, such as it is, for the s/c is the worst I've ever seen. A small orange spot appears on the planet's surface, then it's all Photoshopped to total white, and just kind of ... rolls away. Shee! Give me the Death Star every time! Alderaan: now there was a planet that knew how to explode! Always one to see the bright side apparently, Space Cowboy offers John Boy his cargo of weapons, which he just happened to be intending to deliver but now that the delivery point has turned into a point of dust --- and more to the point, there's nobody left to sign for them, for what haulier leaves goods without getting a signature? --- he has no use for them. John Boy is overjoyed, and since the weapons are already paid for there's no fee. Sweet.
The fact that uncounted millions have just lost their lives doesn't seem to bother either of the space adventurers, and one assumes Nell is too busy trying to give Space Cowboy's ship a blowjob to care. Ol' George, having agreed to help train the farmers to use their shiny new guns, invites John Boy to watch “Custer's last stand”, which is appropriate as not only will it be the planet's last stand but is likely to end the same way. Not-princess Nanelia is meanwhile heading towards the rendezvous, probably already bitching about why John Boy hasn't called her and wondering if her bum looks big in the tight leather pants she's wearing (no chance for a girl to change into anything slinkier when escaping from a space station crewed by androids and run by a nutcase!) when she's suddenly attacked by a malevolent coloured cloud, ripped right out of the Star Trek episode “Metamorphosis”, which for some unknown reason seems to give her an orgasm.
Maybe it's a knob-ula? Sorry. She then gets sucked into the maw of a huge ship in a very lesbian fashion and the next time we see her she's suspended from a bar. Yum! Bondage ahoy methinks!
Yeah but this is a family film isn't it? Boo. Get the whip! But instead she's met by aliens, who tell her they saved her from the “zime”, (come on: that's jsut a shortened form of enzyme!) the nasty coloured cloud that was trying to eat her. Meh, would have been her first (and maybe last) sexual experience. The head alien, Cayman, introduces the Kelvin. Not only are these creatures so closely based on the aliens from the Star Trek pilot “The cage”, but the writer couldn't be bothered thinking up a name for them and just took one from a temperature scale. Lucky she didn't call them the Fahrenheits I guess! The aliens tell her they're slavers and will sell her but unfortunately (for them) when she mentions Sador's name they decide to join her in the fight to protect Akir. Guess they don't like the warlord so much.
Note: Much as it pains me, I must admit that the leader of the aliens, with his vaguely fishlike face and reptilian scales, looks like he was partially at least the model for Babylon 5's Drazi. Assuming any of the show's effects guys ever watched this movie. Which I hope they never did; I don't like to think of people suffering. Other than my father. Back to the film. John Boy encounters a flying lampshade and finds himself apparently a guest at a reunion of the five Doctors, who for some unaccountable reason are all wearing white robes and masks, standing around the TARDIS control trying to make it work.
For a man who has never used a weapon John Boy is quick to draw his, blissfully unaware that he has now become a plastic figurine.
He is rather surprised though to find that the five white Doctors --- who tell them they are called Nestor, and appear to be clones, or some sort of gestalt entity (thank you Red Dwarf!) --- all want to get in on the action and will help in the defence of his homeworld. This perhaps provides an argument to the idea that they are an intelligent lifeform.
Those jolly pair Tembo and Kalo meanwhile, left behind to guard the planet (as Tembo says “Where is it gonna go?”) gatecrash a wedding on Akir and abduct the bride. John Boy heads to Mos Eisley, sorry Nascato, where the best, or worst, mercenaries can be found. Living up to its reputation, teh city has a very handy “dial-a-drug” vending machine, which I'm sure some of our members here would be very happy trying out! But that's the only way Nascosto lives up to its rep, as there is only one mercenary left. When John Boy gasps “You kill for pay?” you have to wonder if he quite understands the concept of a mercenary? It's Robert Vaughn, playing almost exactly the same character as he did in “The Magnificent Seven”, just here he's called Gelt instead of Lee.
Somehow, although he can't afford to pay the famous killer, John Boy recruits Gelt who says “Your offer seems very attractive to me”. How? All he can offer is food and shelter. And quite probably a quick death if you're lucky. Your future holds nothing but ashes and cinders. How can that be attractive? But hey, we're not dealing with logic here. This is a guy who tells John Boy that he eats serpents seven days a week. Why not? He's probably ready to die. So off they go, and they are now two. Three, if you include John Boy. Which I would not. At least the writer resisted using the “How many have you got?” idea, which would really have sealed this as the worst ripoff of “Seven Samurai” since, well, since “The Magnificent Seven” I guess. And speaking of western cliches, which we weren't, a tiny ship approaches John Boy's and Nell says that the pilot must not think the galaxy's big enough for the both of them. Oh dear. Turns out it's some big-titted mercenary from a race called the Valkir (really? The Valkir? A warrior woman in, no less, a horned helmet, and that's the best they could do? Why not go the whole hog and call her Helga or Brunhilde? Jesus Christ on the subway at night!) who was testing him and wants to join his army. God help her.
John Boy however is not impressed. She has no weapons and the ship is small, even if it is, as she claims, the fastest in the universe. Which is of course an impossible claim to make, for who has travelled the universe from one end to the other? The galaxy is a big enough boast, but the universe? Seems this woman has some serious issues. But no amount of pouting will get John Boy to change his mind, and of all people/things, Nell accuses him of being harsh! Nell, the AI with a tongue other AIs fear the lash from! Nell, who is easily the most sarcastic, overbearing, snide and self-satisfied computer this side of Orac! She's accusing him of being harsh!
John Boy gathers his forces at the rendezvous point where they all meet each other for milk and cookies. Gelt says he doesn't like anyone behind him, so no doubt Nanelia is glad she ditched that analyser!
Pause for a short discussion on the dialogue in this film: it's so stilted. Discovering Space Cowboy is smoking (when did you ever see Peppard without a cigarette or a cigar, now really? They're as much a part of him as a lollipop is to Kojak! Oh go look it up, young grasshopper! That too!) he asks incredulously “Is that real smoke you're putting in your lungs?” George says it is and he knows it's bad for him, whereupon John Boy opines “Well I don't think you should do it.” No
shit Sherlock! As if a man who is far older and more experienced than you is going to give a crap for the opinion of an uptight, morally rigid farmer from Nowheresville, Akir!
Cayman says “I want Sador's head” to which John Boy replies “You're welcome to it.” Like he was going to stop the alien. Not to mention that when John Boy is taken aboard the Nestor ship he doesn't respond with "Who are you?" or "You don't know what you're messing with here!" or even "Take me to your leader!" Nah, he goes all forties gangster, asking "Hey! What's the big idea?" Smooth, John Boy, smooth. Remember, I warned you not to mention it...
These are just a a few of the incredible examples of Ms. Dyer's razor-sharp writing prowess and command of the English language. God help us.
The fleet heads to Akir, and Gelt takes out Tembo and Kalo's little fighter. They agree their only chance is to knock out Sador's stellar converter. In order to fire the weapon the warlord has to lower his forcefield, at which point he's vulnerable for a precious second or so. Original.
Here's a thought: with an experienced mercenary, a gestalt alien which seems to have lived forever and a space cowboy who at least knows how to operate weapons, they're given their strategical briefing by Nanelia! Yeah, the girl who up until now has never seen another human being other than her father and whose job has been to repair robots! Where has she suddenly acquired all this tactical knowledge? How come she's the general, preparing her troops?
The annoying Valkyrie with the big tits has invited herself along and John Boy doesn't seem to be about to drive her off. She assures Nanelia that the not-princess will learn all about sex if she sticks with her. Are we on for some girl-on-girl here? Again, let me remind you: family movie. Don't even think about it. Nice cups though! Nanelia asks John Boy to show her the ropes: can we expect bondage? Then she wants him to show her some more of this Earth thing called kissing. Yeah I know it's Akir not Earth; you get the idea. An awkward moment when she advises him “Your torque bar has slipped its groove. You're going to need a new one.” Wow! What a tigress! Another dig at “The Magnificent Seven” as Space Cowboy whiles away the time as they wait with a tune on the harmonica. Could this be more cliched? Gelt responds to the question “Are you a bad man” by explaining that “If you think differently you get called bad.” He leaves out the part where if you kill people for money you also get called bad.
Rather inappropriately I feel, one of the Akirans tries to get a rave going, then we realise it's actually a siren warning of the arrival of Sador, who is surprised and worried to find that poor old Tembo and Kalo have suffered the kind of fate he has planned for John Boy's people. Cowboy betrays his fear and pisses himself. Either that or he's pouring whiskey out of a flask attached to his groin.
Note: I really hope that's whiskey!
The video game, sorry space battle begins. The Nestor seem blissfully unaware that their ship is lit up like a huge luminous lightbulb: might as well have a big target painted on it! Even though the space valkyrie's ship is supposedly the fastest in the universe, she finds that the enormous drag created by her boobs is holding it back. Meanwhile the ground invasion begins and Space Cowboy leads the defence: the sound those hand lasers are making is definitely out of the original Galactica! Gelt is hit and it looks like his ship explodes as he veers away from the battle, while the invasion leader for some odd reason seems to be utilising the services of a well-loved videogame character as he calls out “Sonic! Check all systems!” It seems they have the little blue hedgehog manning an armoured vehicle, as they roll up the sonic tank. Things are not looking good for the defenders.
Step forward the good ol' Kelvin, who --- wait for it --- have no ears. They also seem to be able to destroy the sonic tank just by standing in front of it and spreading their arms. Um. This drains their energy though, and they may have made the ultimate sacrifice. Kind of like anyone who's watching this movie. After they've pushed the invaders back, for now, the valkyrie tells John Boy “You've never seen a valkyrie go down”, which surely must give him ideas? Gelt pops his clogs, bringing his role full circle with that of Lee in the western. John Boy orders that a meal be prepared and buried with him. That was the deal, he says: a meal and a place to hide. Well, it was food and shelter but come on: how literal and pedantic are you being here, man? What's the point of that? Couldn't your people be better employed in the defence of your planet than cooking a meal for a dead man?
The Nestor have arranged to have one of their kind captured by Sador. “What one sees,” they tell John Boy, “we all see.” But have they considered perhaps that what one feels they all feel? As the “facet” of their personality/commune/whatever the f
uck it is these guys are faces torture at the hands of the tyrant he is asked the size and strength of the Akirans' fleet. “That would give you an unfair advantage”, he says matter-of-factly. Duh! When Sador informs him that he has someone expert at inflicting pain, the Nestor replies “It is good to have skills”. Well it doesn't matter anyway as once his arm is sliced off he dies, and for some reason Sador --- who it appears only had one arm --- has it grafted onto him. Bad move!
The arm is part of the Nestor, even if that one is dead, and the other Nestor can control it. Oh come on! I know it's silly and implausible but is it any moreso than the rest of this film? So they try to get him to cut his throat (how do they know he has a sword in his belt? Guess the other one --- the one now dead --- saw it. Maybe) but his torturer manages to wrest the weapon from his grasp and then cut off the offending arm. Hey, if thine arm offends thee!
The mood of the film now takes a serious downer. “We have failed”, moans the Nestor. “We're finished!” snaps John Boy. Only Big Tits is still ready to fight. “The Valkyrie never give up!” she declares. “Never!” Whether the white guys got a boner (do the Nestor get boners? And if they do, do they all get it at the same time? Enquiring and dirty minds need to know!) or what, they suddenly cheer up and head to their ship to renew the fight. John Boy is still moody though, but when Nanelia says “I want to go up there with you” he must surely think “
I want to go up
there!” She tells him sweetly “I could help you up there” and John Boy wonders has she a jar of Vaseline with her? Either way, the two lovers set off in Nell, and it's borrowed sound effects and crappy footage time again as someone pops twenty cents in the machine and the game begins again.