Seems obvious, but reading through your material after you've written it is always a good idea. It can be quite incredible the mistakes you make that you don't even realise you've made.
Anyway, your excellent writing has inspired me to try the horror genre, something I normally don't get too involved in. Feel free to tear it to bits. This is what I have so far (only started it about two hours ago so, you know...)
http://www.trollheart.com/Advent.odt