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innerspaceboy · 03-20-2017, 06:37 PM

Entry 2: Gazing into the Void

Our CEO hired a sexagenarian to fill a vacancy for a customer service rep, and I was charged with the task of teaching him how to use a computer. Hours were spent on fundamentals such as operating a mouse, how to navigate folders, and how to send emails, however advanced tasks like copying and pasting files were beyond his capacity and he was relieved of his position after two weeks. But not to be deterred, our corporate hero promptly hired another grandfather for the same position, and the dance steps continued following the same expected pattern. After a week passed and the new employee still failed to operate a mouse with any proficiency, my boss had a brilliant and novel idea - instead of having this elderly gentleman work a computer, his skills would be better directed if we promoted him to the position of lead salesperson and liaison for our mobile apps!

For a moment I thought I might challenge this promotion, based on my supposition that it might be difficult for someone who doesn’t know what an app is to be responsible for the peddling of such a product to our potential clients. But I quickly realized that I was clearly mistaken, and straight away begin training our new employee on what an app is, how a smartphone works, what the Google and Apple app stores are, and the rest of the last 25 years of tech. Because what could possibly instill greater confidence in our customers than having a gray-haired grandfather come into their places of business to sell them an app in the style of a used car salesman? Perhaps I’m entirely in the wrong in this mindset. Perhaps I am being ageist. I just think there might be persons better-qualified to sell mobile apps than a Walmart greeter.

Still, do not misunderstand me - The newcomer has already demonstrated great value in the marketing of our company’s image, as he introduced a promotional novelty item which we now hand out to all of our contacts. It’s cutting-edge, tech-savvy, ultra-modern, and speaks for our place in the app world. (And by that of course, I mean it’s embarrassingly tacky, horrifically dated, rife with pun humor, and so culturally spent that the concept was grimace-inducing just months after its debut at The World’s Fair back in 1964.) I am referring to none other than the notorious, “Round Tuit.”

(I’ll wait for you to give an exhausted sigh of compassionate discomfort at that last utterance.)

But the real peach - the greatest demonstrative moment of our new marketing guru’s sheer brilliance came on Friday, when he humbly requested my assistance in troubleshooting a difficulty he was experiencing with his computer’s audio. “I’m trying to watch this training video,” he explained. “I’ve dialed up the volume on YouTube, but there isn’t any sound.”

I looked at him, for the very briefest of moments - and in that instant an eternity washed over my life force, eroding my conviction to maintain respiration right down to my cellular level. I stared, transfixed by the awesome cavernous infinity that was the void where his understanding of technology might have resided. Blinking myself back to the disheartening reality and the gravity of the situation, I cleared my throat, nodded thoughtfully to communicate my understanding, and said, as respectfully and innocuously as possible, “I see the problem. You haven’t any speakers.”

I made my exit, permitting the dramatic silence left in my absence to reinforce the very hopelessness of it all.