Fu
ck all of the options above. I'm gonna go with this instead:
Trollheart Tries to Steal Aux-In's Car, and Accidentally Cures Cancer
On a boring and humid night, a mysterious silhouette walked down a gaudily carpeted hallway, before stopping in front of a glass door. Looking up, the shadowy figure read the label on the portal aloud in a spooky voice: "Frownland Investigations: We F
uck the Helpless". The figure sighed, glad to have finally found their destination, and turned the doorknob.
Inside, Detective Frownland was sitting at his desk, vaping like a little b
itch. Hearing the door creak open, Detective Frownland lifted his head and gazed lazily at the visitor under the felt rim of his black fedora. "Can I help you?" he asked in a tired and monotone voice. "I sure hope so..." began the mysterious figure, as it began to take off it's large hat, trenchcoat, and sunglasses. As the clothing fell away, a gorgeous woman was revealed, with golden hair so shiny that Mithradates tried to pour it down Manius Aquillius' throat. Taking a seat, the woman continued "I could really use your help."
"Of course!" replied Detective Frownland, as he sat up straight and immediately began masturbating. "I'd love to help you in any way that I can, miss... ?" As he waited for her to give him her name, she simply stared at him in confusion and replied "
Miss?". Suddenly, an expression of realization crossed her face, and she said "Oh, sorry. My bad. I forgot to take my whole disguise off." With that, she stood up once more, and ripped off all of her flesh, revealing herself to actually be Aux-In. Frownland was horrified, but not quite enough to stop masturbating.
"Aren't you dead? Didn't you get banned?" asked Frownland. Aux-In laughed, replying "A simple ruse. I
requested that ban, and
pretended to be dead, all so that I could claim my
revenge against the
asshole who has been
ruining my life." Frownland raised an eyebrow, and replied "I'm intrigued. Tell me everything." Aux-In sighed, before saying "Well, I suppose I should start at the beginning. So about a month ago, I met this guy in The Bitch Box. We hit it off pretty quickly. You know, did a few shots, swapped a few stories. The next few days, we got to know each other really well, and started hanging out all the time. We went fishing down at Lake Spambox, checked out an exhibit at the Member Picture Gallery... we even took turns making Kiiii quit MB. Good times... until I started to notice that s
hit was missing from my apartment."
"Missing?" asked Frownland. Aux-In nodded, replying "
Stolen. At first, I just thought I was misplacing things. I lose little things all the time. My glasses, my flashlight, my cock ring... they practically
live under my couch cushions. But other stuff started disappearing too. Big stuff." Frownland stroked his moustache in thought, asking "
How big?" Aux-In leaned forward, and replied "
Racecar bed big. Now
that, I knew I hadn't simply
misplaced. Someone had
taken it. I asked my friend about it, and he started getting all fidgety and suspicious.
That's when I started to suspect. The next night, I invited him over for drinks, keeping a close eye on him the whole time. And guess what? I caught that fuc
ker red-handed, trying to swipe my favorite carburetor!"
Frownland smiled, saying "I'm sorry to hear that, Aux-In, but where exactly do
I fit into this little story of yours? Why not take this to the Mod Squad? They love busting petty thieves." Aux-In shook his head, replying "I tried! I went straight to the authorities, but they just laughed at me, even though I had all the evidence in the world! Turns out my '
friend' was too well connected to touch. In fact,
he reported
me for
slander. Luckily, there was still
one honest mod left on the squad, and he helped me to go undercover, however even
he was too scared to help me any further than that. And
that, Mr. Frownland, is where
you come in. You're a
mod. A
rogue mod,
sure, but a mod nonetheless. You have a license to
ban." Frownland thought for a moment, letting the information sink in, before saying "I'll see what I can do. But first, tell me, just who exactly
is this ex-friend of yours?"
"
Trollheart?" asked Pedestrian in surprise, almost spilling her coffee. Frownland nodded. "You've got to be fuc
kin'
kiddin' me," said Pedestrian, setting her drink down and taking a seat. Looking up at Frownland, she continued "You expect me to believe that the
Mayor of MB has turned to
petite larceny for kicks?" Frownland shrugged and nodded, replying "Hey, you said it yourself when you left the force. I believe your exact words were
'I'm done with this shit. MB is rotten to it's very core.' Looks like you were
right." Pedestrian laughed, taking a sip from her coffee, before replying "Yeah, I'm a regular
prophet. Now cut the s
hit, and give me the
details." Frownland relayed the entire story to Pedestrian, who absorbed the strange tale through an expression of disgust and disbelief.
After Frownland had finished, he looked at Pedestrian, trying to gauge what her response would be, before saying "Aux-In and I are going to stake-out his apartment. After doing a little homework, I think I've picked up on our dear mayor's MO, and have reason to believe that he'll return there tonight to... well,
seal the deal, in a manner of speaking." "Oh?" asked Pedestrian with a dry voice. Frownland nodded, saying "It seems that Trollheart has done this sort of thing before. And usually, after making sure his victims are branded as liars, he goes to their place and... well, he steals their car, goes for a joyride, defecates in the backseat, and then crashes it into an orphanage."
Pedestrian narrowed her eyes, asking "How many times has he done this before?" Frownland scratched his beard, replying "At least five or six times." Pedestrian thought for a moment, before saying "That's
a lot of orphanages. I didn't even realize MB
had so many." Frownland shrugged, replying "The Batlord hates
condoms almost as much as he hates
personal responsibility. Anyway, the stake-out is tonight. We're gonna record him stealing the car, arrest him, and then send the footage to every newspaper in the city. Even
he won't be able to worm his way out of
that. Are you in?" Pedestrian thought for a moment, saying "I don't know..." Frownland looked at her, before lifting his hand. Seeing his hand, the badass within Pedestrian demanded that she high-five the s
hit out of it, and what could she do but obey?
After hours of waiting in the bushes outside of Aux-In's apartment, they eventually spotted Trollheart approaching the car, dropping four leaf clovers and bottles of Guiness as he ambled forward. Giggling, he pulled out a lo-jack, and popped open the door. As he did so, Frownland and Pedestrian popped out of the bushes, pulling out their pistols and yelling "Freeze!" With inhuman speed, Trollheart dashed away from the car. Frownland and Pedestrian tried to shoot him, however he was little more than a green blur as he evaded their shots with ease. "Oh god," said Pedestrian, "I forgot... he's a
leprechaun!" As Trollheart raced around the scene, he snarled "I'll have ye know, I'm only a quarter leprechaun, ye saucy
bitch!"
Just as Trollheart was about to make his escape, he suddenly stopped in his tracks, staring down at the shoes of an innocent passerby. "Yer shoes... are
dirty!" he shrieked, as he set about polishing them, for no leprechaun can resist cleaning a dirty shoe. As he did so, a shot from Frownland hit him in the shoulder, knocking him to the ground, and sending a nasty spatter of goopy green blood unto the bystander. The two rogue mods quickly ran up to the incapacitated irishman, and cuffed him. "You have the right to remain silent," said Pedestrian. Looking up at her, Trollheart replied "And ye have the right to
get fucked, ye heartless wench."
"Oh my god!" yelled the bystander, smiling as he lifted up his arm. The two mods looked back at him, and Frownland asked "Is everything alright?" The bystander stared at his arm in surprise for a moment, before saying "L-look! My cancer... is
melting off!" Taken by his curiosity, Frownland left Trollheart in Pedestrian's care, and took a closer look. Sure enough, a nasty looking tumor on the bystander's arm was dissolving, while the rest of his arm remained perfectly healthy. Frownland thought for a moment, before saying "The cure for cancer is... leprechaun blood?" Trollheart snarled, replying "Hey, like I said, I'm only a
quarter leprechaun, ye deaf c
unt!"
Pedestrian kneed him in the groin, letting him drop to the ground as she walked over and examined the fantastic discovery, saying "So we just found the cure for cancer?" She and Frownland looked at each other for a moment, before bursting into happy laughter, and playing pattycake, yelling "We're rich! We're rich!" Aux-In approached the two, asking "Uh, guys, sorry to interrupt, but... aren't you gonna take Trollheart in, and then send the footage to all the news stations?" Frownland gave him the finger, replying "Get fuc
ked, Aux-In. We just found the cure for cancer."
Aux-In shuffled away dejectedly, as the two mods continued in their revelry, a revelry that would eventually fade after learning that while leprechaun blood
does cure cancer, it also has the unfortunate side-effect of turning everyone it touches into a Marillion fan, a fate
far worse than death. But that, my dear friends, is a story for another time.
Super secret anti-Trollheart theft watermark