Dreamed that I was in a gilded hotel lobby when a small, hairless black rabbit came out of my stomach. I held it in my hands and tried to cast it away from me, but it leaped back in me in the form of a large and grotesque wingless insect. I realized this thing had been inside of me all my life, and that it had been put there by someone. I tried to remember, but it was blocking my memory. I wanted it out of me because I now recognized that it was the source of all of my anger and sorrow-- anger, especially-- it was a visceral, howling and feral sort of anger that I had somehow kept subdued to a low boil all of my life. I was amazed that I hadn't noticed it before. It was connected to my eyes, somehow; when it leaped back inside of me my eyes blurred for a moment, and it felt like something else was staring through. (It reminded me of a creepy thing my nephew said to me when he was very little once in real life; he had pointed to me and said "there's a rabbit jumping around your head and it makes your eyes turn black.") I desperately wanted it out. Something in my environment-- some recent change, or some person had caused a shift and expelled it for a moment-- it seemed unable to decide whether it wanted to stay in me or finally find another host. A woman I don't know was with me, as well as an old boyfriend of mine, Jose; I kept lashing out in anger and he was trying to keep me calm. The woman was humming "Everytime" by Britney Spears, of all things.
Once I was calmer, I began walking through the lobby past a cafe, and I saw the ugly thing again; it was worming around on the floor, seemingly in search of another (or in search of me). I quickly went outside and crouched down on the patio as I watched a young woman look at it quizically and chirp 'aw, it licked my leg!'-- and then it was gone. It was in her now, I assumed. I still felt its presence though, somehow, and I suspected that that particular thing was just one tiny part of some much larger, horrid thing that I and others were connected to.
Then, I saw a fluffy grey and white tabby kitten walking slowly toward me across the patio; he was wobbly and cute and I kept calling him over until I could pet him, but he passed by me, and it was cold suddenly.
I sure wish I could afford a therapist to analyze all this, especially after the agonizingly, needlessly vivid and graphic dream I had the other day of an older male family member attacking me.
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