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Originally Posted by Chiomara
So lamictal then I assume. Yeah, that isn't too effective taken by itself. Made my brain feel fuzzy. Those of us with long-term clinical depression and the resulting soul-crushing apathy (..and depersonalization and disconnectedness and everything that comes with it) need a cocktail of different medications it seems.
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Lamotrigine, yeah, and I think I was on Klonopin for a while (didn't do much as far as I could tell). I was on Ritalin as well, which helped some with my horrendous memory and concentration, but then I just kinda... stopped taking it when it ran out after the first few refills. Don't know if it was still having any real effect by the end, but it certainly wasn't making all that noticeable a difference in the first place.
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Depersonalization is the woooooorst. Like you're just an automaton. There is seemingly nothing that helps it either. No pill or anything. And meditation (and other things that normal, well-meaning but misguided people might suggest) makes it worse. It feels especially awful when it happens in a very large and crowded public place. There is this almost sinister, overwhelming feeling of wrongness during, too that's just undulating beneath everything and spreading under your skin. Impossible to explain to anyone either.
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I don't think I have it going on like that, or at least not to that extent. It's more like I have my tiny little, private, bubble world in my head that doesn't have much space for others or issues from "real life", so I keep them at a distance to the point that it's highly difficult to build connections to people or understand/feel/grok how important are things like having a job, maintaining my health, or... property taxes. Nor do I even want to deal with the perceived trauma of embracing them and altering my world view (assuming it's even possible).
But that **** is constantly invading my little bubble to the point that I can either have a nervous breakdown or start repressing the emotions and forgetting reality as best I can. It basically trains me to do anything to disconnect, be it turn on music, play a video game, or whatever. Over the years I've developed the "skill" to repress automatically though. Sometimes those feelings I repress will be strong enough that I'll almost feel something like that rising feeling of impending doom, and without even thinking about it it'll just die all by itself. Like my subconscious has become so proficient at suffocating reality that it's almost sentient in its ability to operate without my own input. When that happens I can almost feel an alien mental process going on in my head that I don't really understand. (Kinda scary tbh, since I honestly don't know what emotions are digging around in my subconscious, just waiting to take the bottom out of my mind.)
So I end up feeling a constant numbness and disconnection from pretty much everything. Why concern myself with garnished wages or having almost no real human connections when it all just feels like the TV is talking to me? And I don't mean that in a literal sense, but for all the impression much of the world leaves on me I might as well just be watching television. I guess that's depersonalization? I don't know.
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Originally Posted by Chiomara
Well, thanks, but the dysmorphia thing tends to have nothing to do with objective reality. (Uh, not that I honestly have any clue what I look like to others IRL objectively) It's likely just another manifestation of my ocd/depression seeing as it started at around the same time.
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For what it's worth I'd hit it till it came out your back. Just sayin'.