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Originally Posted by The Batlord
Lamotrigine, yeah, and I think I was on Klonopin for a while (didn't do much as far as I could tell). I was on Ritalin as well, which helped some with my horrendous memory and concentration, but then I just kinda... stopped taking it when it ran out after the first few refills. Don't know if it was still having any real effect by the end, but it certainly wasn't making all that noticeable a difference in the first place.
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Oh I see. Ritalin was just okay for me, but I only had a low-dose short-release version, so maybe that's why. I would have hoped that in 2017 there would be a wider array of options. But we can't have nice things here on earth.
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Batlord
I don't think I have it going on like that, or at least not to that extent. It's more like I have my tiny little, private, bubble world in my head that doesn't have much space for others or issues from "real life", so I keep them at a distance to the point that it's highly difficult to build connections to people or understand/feel/grok how important are things like having a job, maintaining my health, or... property taxes. Nor do I even want to deal with the perceived trauma of embracing them and altering my world view (assuming it's even possible).
But that **** is constantly invading my little bubble to the point that I can either have a nervous breakdown or start repressing the emotions and forgetting reality as best I can. It basically trains me to do anything to disconnect, be it turn on music, play a video game, or whatever. Over the years I've developed the "skill" to repress automatically though. Sometimes those feelings I repress will be strong enough that I'll almost feel something like that rising feeling of impending doom, and without even thinking about it it'll just die all by itself. Like my subconscious has become so proficient at suffocating reality that it's almost sentient in its ability to operate without my own input. When that happens I can almost feel an alien mental process going on in my head that I don't really understand. (Kinda scary tbh, since I honestly don't know what emotions are digging around in my subconscious, just waiting to take the bottom out of my mind.)
So I end up feeling a constant numbness and disconnection from pretty much everything. Why concern myself with garnished wages or having almost no real human connections when it all just feels like the TV is talking to me? And I don't mean that in a literal sense, but for all the impression much of the world leaves on me I might as well just be watching television. I guess that's depersonalization? I don't know.
For what it's worth I'd hit it till it came out your back. Just sayin'.
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I relate to the bolded quite a bit; it's actually probably fortunate that the brain can so easily disassociate and compartmentalize/repress any and every arising emotion if the alternative is overwhelming suicidal misery or some other equally distressing equivalent that we have no way of dealing with. Obviously it's not healthy to do so 24/7, but.. it is a coping mechanism I suppose, like any other. A lot of what you described does sound like depersonalization btw; I just described it really weirdly in my other post because of course I did.
And I'm sure there are in fact plenty of horrifying things milling around in your subconscious but that likely applies to most of us. (Especially if you're David Lynch. Clearly the solution here is to become a filmmaker or avant-garde performance artist. I'm not ''wasting my life away'' or ''eating stale cookies on the floor while crying'', I'm merely embodying society's collective disillusionment!) I do wonder if those of us who have quite a bit of things repressed will eventually inevitably break open in a spectacularly embarassing, awful way-- I mean, you hear stories sometimes of totally normal, successful, well-adjusted adults who just abruptly have a meltdown one day and wind up committed, after all.