The Batlord

Sup, bitches? I'm back and not better than ever because that's conceptually impossible for a True Metalhead of the Highest Caliber such as myself. Deal with it. I'm sure you're wondering what happened with that whole The Return of the Kings of Metal thing, but I'm not gonna tell you cause **** you and I'm lazy. What I am about to relate to you is somewhat after that awesomeness, after I had returned home in Devin Townsend's time machine. Well, almost returned...

After returning from whenever the hell I actually was I stepped out of my nondescript heavy metal time machine and was like, "Bro, where's the wifi?" It was 70 years in the future or some ****. Cause I was in Nazi Germany. How did I know? Try walking down the streets of Nazi Germany without seeing a swastika flag and then come ask me. They're kind of a giveaway unless you want to make some lame joke about Alabama.

There were a bunch of people hanging around all excited on the sides of the streets, but mainstream excitement means nothing to me so I found the nearest bar cause I'd never been to an actual German bar (Do they call them pubs or is their some yob German name for them?) I don't know, but the place had some nice booze anyway. The bartender tried to charge me deutschmarks but as I didn't have any I just threw a copy of Hell Awaits on the counter and he accepted it even though he didn't look like he completely understood why he considered it a perfectly valid form of currency. Metal knows no time barriers.

As I was chugging my 14th beer I was feeling pretty loose, so all the thundering **** like old school marching music and marching dudes didn't really bother me. The bartender seemed kind of offended that I told him to turn up the radio though, even if it was just some loud douche yelling about Jews or whatever, so I figured I'd go check out what all the hubbub was about cause I was too lazy to **** with the Gestapo if I got informed on.

Holy ****.

All those people lining the streets and cheering and heiling weren't just retarded. There was a ****ing parade. Parades are normally lame sauce cause who cares about dudes who think they're hard but can't **** **** up in the mosh pit? But these dudes were on point. SS I guess, cause they had those Thor symbols on their admittedly bitchin' uniforms, and they were chanting this German marching song that kind of kicked ass in the metal sense.

Ade, mein liebes schätzelein,
Ade, ade, ade,
Es muß, es muß geschieden sein
Ade, ade, ade,

I tried to play it cool with a mean mug and my arms crossed, cause I'm not about to look like some Bosch newb, but it was some nice ****. The melodies and rhythms were hypnotic, and the spectacle was goddamn enthralling. The tubas did a gnarly job of imitating the stomp of marching feet, and as they fell every time the soldiers' feet did, it was so ****ing heavy. The straight-legged goose stepping was designed specifically for the foot to hit the ground as crisply and loudly as possible, so that the buildings rattled and my nuts jangled. The guttural German language was ****ing perfect for the hard rhythms of the song, causing utter devastation.

Es geht um deutschlands gloria,
Gloria, gloria,
Sieg heil! sieg heil! viktoria
Sieg heil! viktoria!

Not gonna lie, the reverberating singing and bone crushing bass engulfed the entire area making me kinda pick up what they were putting down. My toe tapped and my head bobbed against my will as if Der Führer himself were gazing on me with stern insistence. Before my eyes on the sidewalk marched massive formations of conformist twats in perfect unison. Despite my-metal-self I felt an odd urge to join in. I refrained cause I'm not a Nazi. Duh.

Then the tanks started rumbling along. It was like the thunder of Thor himself ****ting on the poseurs of the world and I nodded my head approvingly. So. Many. ****ing. Tanks. Cool tanks. German tanks. My hardon betrayed me.

Visier und ziel sind eingestellt
Ade, ade, ade,
Auf stalin, churchill, roosevelt,
Ade, ade, ade,

I was finding it hard to think at this point. The music was so uplifting. The spectacle was awe-inspiring. The enthusiasm, both of the soldiers and the crowd, was infectious. My mind was shifting in a way that I did not expect or entirely welcome, but, "ADE! ADE! ADEEE!"

I made eye contact with a particularly blonde-haired, blue-eyed Aryan god who gave me a gangsta headnod which I returned, and I was lost. All I wanted was for the swirling psychedelia of this most obtuse reality to even further engulf me as nothing before had. I was willing to quiet that insignificant part of my brain going, "Dude, what the **** even is this and what are you doing, dummkopf"? I was willing to go along with whatever the **** was going on cause it was just so, so, so ****ing metal and God himself was probably begrudgingly throwing up the horns.

Es geht um deutschlands gloria,
Gloria, gloria,
Sieg heil! sieg heil! viktoria
Sieg heil! viktoria!

**** it. On the spur of the moment I leapt into the street behind a giant platoon of men at least ten columns wide, all of the most metal, in-step ****. It took a few seconds to get the goose stepping down, but once I did it was Deutchland Uber Alles for life. Seriously, what the **** is going on? I voted for Ackbar. I just couldn't help it. Nazi music and Nazi parades and Nazi hats are just cool and I couldn't contain myself.

Then I realized I didn't have a hat. **** that ****. I was at the back of the formation, all by myself in my own row cause that's just me, so I grabbed some guy's helmet from in front of me and bestowed it upon myself like a truly smug badass. He swung around while still marching like a pale god, saw how awesome I was, and gave me a Nazi thumbs up before turning back around. Pretty sure they shot him cause he didn't have a hat but I really wasn't paying attention.

Wir ruhen und wir rasten nicht
Ade, ade, ade,
Bis daß die satansbrut zerbricht,
Ade, ade, ade,

As I marched with the SS there was this strange, almost certainly in god damn ****ing hindsight, malevolent spirit just floating in the air that wasn't any **** that was ever **** and I don't know what that means but **** if I wasn't surrounded by some ****.

I felt like my very blood was speaking to me, telling me tales of heroism and pride, of honor and family, and of the gods... juh wut? Oh ****, wut, um... Muslim ray guns and ****."

Somehow I knew the lyrics to the psychotic horror of "Sieg Heil, Viktoria!"

Es geht um deutschlands gloria,
Gloria, gloria,
Sieg heil! sieg heil! viktoria
Sieg heil! viktoria!

Our raucous peons to our ancestors shook the very heavens, to say nothing of the subhuman, poseur scum who refused our majesty. None would be spared, no matter the haircut. Only the righteous would survive, as Varg portended.

The Metal Elite are a proud people and the incursions upon our territory are an affront upon metal itself, and we will not tolerate it, nor will we tolerate those who ally with nations who are an affront to True Metal.

It was around this time that I'm throwin' up the Heil that... OHOHOH... Hitler. It's him. The Brohrer. Dude, son. So stoked. You don't even know. I got the cadence down like wut and I'm reppin' NSDAP like a nut, and everything just gets to be too much when he points to me. I'm gonna front like I didn't squeal but I totally did and you know it. And he points at me. Huh...

He motions me to come forward... and I'm just like, why would The Main Man want to see me when I just came in from a time machine and don't even know what time it is? But the euphoria spikes and I perform a crisp right face from the SS formation and march straight up to Hitler on the bigass sweet podium that was like... it was big and ****. I think they had some pyrotechnics, but that wasn't unusual... I think.

Reich mir die hand zum scheidegruß
Ade, ade, ade,
Und deinen mund zum abschiedskuß
Ade, ade, ade,

Up the steps and up the steps and up the steps I marched, until I was in front of Mein Führer... dear Dio his mustache was masculine. It's just so straight. And hard. Thor help me. And then he said some German ****, and he presented me with what an ancient dialect of the Western Metal Revivalist 3rd Sect told me was a pretty prestigious medal of racial services or some weirdness I guess.

I'm standing in front of The Guy. He's holding the medal, about to put it on me, I don't even know what's going on I'm so overcome, and then I'm just like... what the Slayer is even going on?

Es geht um deutschlands gloria,
Gloria, gloria,
Sieg heil! sieg heil! viktoria!
Sieg heil! viktoria!

I'm not a Nazi. I beat up a bald guy in Minnesota cause he looked at a black guy funny. Holy ****, it's Hitler!

Puts the medal on me, takes a step back and heils me. So I kick Hitler in the ****ing balls.

THE END.

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