Cold Mountain
2004/Anthony Minghella
2 Hours, 28 minutes
I just finished watching this movie, then, like I usually do, I sat down to read some reviews. It's more fun/interesting to do
after you've watched a film than before. Then, scanning what critics had to say on Rottentomatoes.com, I started feeling like reading about the movie would extend it's tedium more than I could bear.
You know what? I'm going to review the movie in stolen critic blurbs. That's how it's going to be.
"It evokes a backwater of the Civil War with rare beauty, and lights up with an assortment of colorful supporting characters."
- Roger Ebert
"While the film is handsome to look at and has its fair share of realism, it also gets plenty sappy along the way."
- John J. Puccio
"Something to mildly admire rather than embrace."
- Nick Schager
"Feels curiously put together - it jerks together from event to event without any real flow and the two leads display absolutely no chemistry when they are on-screen together."
- Peter Sobczynski
"Handsome and fast-moving, if a little hollow."
- Phil Villarreal
"That ancillary characters are played by big-name supporting actors, each of whom seems to be working in a different register, just underscores the choppy nature of the story."
- Bryant Frazer
"When all of your supporting characters are more compelling and charismatic than your leads, your movie is in trouble."
- Rob Blackwelder
"Whether we're watching the domestic struggles of Kidman or Law doing moody wandering, scenes run on randomly, and don't build into a structure with arc or emphasis."
- Ian Waldron-Mantgani
"A classically crafted Civil War epic with actions and ideas aplenty - but not enough to fill its excessive length."
- Anton Bitel
And that's my "review".
Here's a couple blurbs that I didn't agree with, but which instead triggered my "WTF" impulse.
"Although there were some good moments in the film, mostly due to Philip Seymour Hoffman, "Cold Mountain" never rises above the average."
The dear Mr. Hoffman overplayed every second of screen time he had to the max and his character felt pasted in already.
"Minghella's detail-rich film is like a beautiful piece of fabric, lovingly crafted by hand. And Zellweger is like a big ol' stain, right in the middle of it."
She was by far the most entertaining aspect of the film, believeable character or not.
And then a well-spotted but curiously irrelevant critic blurb.
"Is Nicole Kidman contractually obligated to interact with birds in all her films?"
I don't know. I can't even think of one other such movie, but I've watched far from all Nicole Kidman movies.
I'm gonna need an expert opinion on this one.