I'll be heading soon, but I just want to touch on a few points before I wrap things up. I wrote my farewell post this morning about 4AM, so I hadn't time to say all I wanted to. Feel free to skip the following wall of text if you want.
First, thanks to those who have said they'll miss me, especially Lisna, MicShaz, Batty and Gigantic Debaser. Also I'd like to say goodbye and thanks to the other friends I made here - Plankton, Jansz, Exo, Chiomara, innerspaceboy, Qwerty, Anteater, and all the rest of you (some there may be surprised to hear me describe you as friends, and may not see yourself as such, but at least I don't consider you enemies). A typical comment from Frownland, of course, who will certainly not be sad to see me go. How surprising. And Hawk unrepentant, as if I'd expect anything else.
Second, and this is directed to MLM, with all due respect, you have no cause to be saying "I see no bullying", as you have not been subject to it, but I have. Every other post made by me has been jumped on, sneered at or torn apart by Hawk or Frownland or Batty. In the case of the latter, I generally have not taken much in the way of offence, as I know he's almost always joking. But the other two are deadly serious, no matter what they say. (I'm now directing my comments at Frownland and Hawk) When you know, as grindy has pointed out, that you're not being taken as being funny, clever or smart any more and the person you're directing your oh-so-witty comments at does not appreciate them, anyone with an ounce of decency will stop, change their approach. The old "I was only joking, no offence" deal. But neither of you two ever have. If anything, you seem to delight in getting me more and more angry and upset. I know you do.
For the past few months, and longer, I've been coming here and working away, but it's become increasingly obvious to me that there's less and less point. There's very little interaction (for me, at any rate) that doesn't involve sniping and insults. In this thread, it's something of an indictment that the person posting most, other than myself, has been Frownland, and unsurprisingly almost every one of those posts has been negative, and many have started off rows between him and I, into which, usually, Batty will chime. I worked hard on this thread, and really wanted to finish it, but hey, if nobody else cares why should I?
I've been asking myself the question more and more: why do I come here every day, or at all? Is it for enjoyment? It used to be, but not any more. Now it's like ducking down a dark alley at night, hoping you won't get mugged, or going to a job you hate and can't wait to leave. Is it, then, out of a sense of duty? To who? Those who are supposedly reading what I write? They don't care. To myself? Do I really want to slog in another six months here just to get this finished? So what am I left with? Why do I come here? What do I get out of it? The great, unanswered question.
There's no doubt that it's been the snide jabs from Hawk on the subject of my writing, though, that has pushed this over the edge for me. I tried, I really did. I did my best to go with it, take it in good part, share in the joke. But it's not a joke. He just kept stabbing and stabbing and would not stop. So Hawk, this is for you.
You're a sad, lonely, angry little man who has never accomplished anything in his life, and never will. Your delight seems to be to direct your self-loathing and frustration at the nearest soft target. You think you can say what you like, and there are no consequences, and everyone should just accept it because it's you. Well, you know what? **** you. You are, without question, even more of a **** than Frownland, and that's saying something. I tried constantly to figure out if you were just joking, pushing my buttons about my writing, but all you're doing is insulting me, and considering the total **** that you write, it would be amusing if it wasn't so nasty and uncalled-for. There are only so many times I can laugh it off, shrug and say "Ah it's just Hawk." Not cool. Not cool at all.
Those who think I'll be back, let me make this abudantly clear. I will not. Apart from anything else, although grindy is now kind of standing up and saying things went too far, the lack of (for want of a better word) protection for members here sucks. Mods? Nobody does anything. Everyone is happy just leaving things go along as they are. The occasional “tone it down guys” message that's heeded for a day and then cheerfully ignored as the perpetrators go back to their old ways. Nobody is punished, nobody receives bans for anything meaningful, and so everyone fends for themselves. And I did, for as long as I could. I considered putting Hawk on Ignore, but knew that with Frownland as his partner in crime, they'd see I had done that and then make sure he quoted any posts Hawk made, so it would not work.
And you know what? Odd as this may seem, I'm tired of being laughed at. Every thread I start is either made a joke of or hijacked. My efforts to make this place a little more bearable are constantly shot down, someone (the terrible trio usually) always has a problem with some aspect of anything I'm doing, and I get to thinking, why the **** am I even bothering? So I'm not, not any more. I have enough pressures at home to be dealing with. I come – used to come – here to escape that, but recently it's been like battling through a storm to get home, only to find your house has blown away and you still have to face the wind and the rain. There's no shelter.
I am sensitive, yes. Call me a wimp bitch or whatever the **** you want, I don't care, but I like people to treat me as I would treat them, and while I did my best to give as good as I got, there were things said here about me that I would never had said about anyone. It's ****ing exhausting, let me tell you, keeping your head down and your shield up, battling through all the negativity. I don't need this ****.
Oh, and yeah, laugh and sneer and comment on this wall of text. I'm sure many of you will. I have no doubt it will invoke the usual comments about tampons, menopause, vaginas, the whole ugly panoply of insults and sneers. I really don't care. But if I'm leaving here, I'll be damned if I'm going without saying what I feel, and explaining why I don't believe I can be a part of this forum any more.
I'm packing up but not yet gone. I'll be here for a day or two more before I log out. Feel free to post or PM if you want to say anything to me before I go. It will almost certainly be your last opportunity.
For those wondering, yes, it is seven years, almost. I joined in 2008 but left and then came back in 2011, so I see that as being the proper start of my time here. Not that it's important, but I noticed the odd surprised comment about the length of time I believed I was here. Mostly, it's been fun, but in recent times it's become less so, and now I really can't answer that question, why do I come here? So like they say on those casino websites
