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Jadix · 03-10-2006, 06:47 PM

It has a nice flow, it kind of lacks, but theres no imagery, or anything its just kind of bland.

hmm ok. Ill work on that.

On this describe the nights and how you felt, and how cold or hot it was and what the moon looks like the bottom two are fine.
Well the moon was just something thats "high". And I related by being on drugs. However, it would probably be a good idea to describe it better, that would probably increase the effect. Good advice.

Describe the days a bit more, dreary, gloomy etc..
Well the days are going to be good ones, when they get here. I actually really like this verse, I dont know how I'd change it. maybe if I added another verse to describe it better.

I just think thats somewhat of a weak way of ending it. Maybe you could add another part to wrap it up thats a bit more poetic?

Thanks for the feedback. Maybe the last verse isn't communicating what I'm trying to say very well if both of you didnt like it. I think I'll add another something-something after this soon-to-be-edited-verse.

03-10-2006, 06:47 PM	#6 (permalink)
Jadix infamous nimbus Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 140	It has a nice flow, it kind of lacks, but theres no imagery, or anything its just kind of bland. hmm ok. Ill work on that. On this describe the nights and how you felt, and how cold or hot it was and what the moon looks like the bottom two are fine. Well the moon was just something thats "high". And I related by being on drugs. However, it would probably be a good idea to describe it better, that would probably increase the effect. Good advice. Describe the days a bit more, dreary, gloomy etc.. Well the days are going to be good ones, when they get here. I actually really like this verse, I dont know how I'd change it. maybe if I added another verse to describe it better. I just think thats somewhat of a weak way of ending it. Maybe you could add another part to wrap it up thats a bit more poetic? Thanks for the feedback. Maybe the last verse isn't communicating what I'm trying to say very well if both of you didnt like it. I think I'll add another something-something after this soon-to-be-edited-verse.