Quote:
Originally Posted by wolverinewolfweiselpigeon
My grandparents and great-grandparents were all abusive narcissistic *******s, in the past few years I've given up a lot of the resentment and anger I feel toward my own narcissistic abusive ******* father because it's clear he was never strong enough to break the cycle of abuse. That **** runs deep. His mother used to lock him in the dark unfurnished basement for days at a time as a 6-7 year old when she was tired of him and eventually he learned to stash can openers so he could eat the canned goods she had horded away down there.
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My grandfather was an abusive **** who'd smack around his kids when they'd do something as light as not wanting to eat their peas, but from what I hear his mother was even more hardline Irish Catholic spare-the-rod-spoil-the-child. My mother has said that according to my grandmother my grandfather doesn't even remember a lot of his abuse and I understand this because of my own anger issues that are really, really hard to control and I could see myself taking a hardline stance on not hitting my kids but then when the time comes that my kids piss me off that all bets are off and I'd just smack them in the face to redress the karmic balance of the universe. When my family are mad we feel self-righteous indignation that the world doesn't fit our paradigm and it causes some borderline psychotic behavior which for the next generation or two just feels like standard parenting.
I don't even hate my grandfather. He worked hard to provide for eight children and I can see myself in him and how I'd love my children in my own way but there's just this demon that can't be reasoned with that would make me ashamed at what I'd do but then I'd rationalize in much the same way that I imagine he did. When my mother was sick with a disease that was killing her my grandfather the surgeon with medical contacts around the country moved heaven and earth to save her life and is probably the only reason she's alive today. No matter what he did in the past or the kind of person he is his love for his children is still absolute. It's just that it isn't enough to save yourself from doing terrible things in the heat of the moment, especially when you're an Irish Catholic who thinks that hitting your kids to make them better people is what defines love as a parent.