I'd be willing to accept that as an answer if I were happy as is. I'm not though. I'm not going to convince myself to embrace it and be okay with it when I'm not. I know you don't just wake up one day a changed person. It takes time and effort to change. You have to break yourself out of the cycle that you don't want to be in. I don't want to be here. I don't want to quit trying to change based on the defeated attitude that I can never change. I just don't know how to pull myself out.
I made one small change that drastically helped during the past few weeks even when I see myself sinking back into the same insecurity and self loathing that consumed me at the beginning of October. Rather than sitting around staring at my phone or pointlessly scrolling through MB in a mad anxiety ridden fever I'd force myself to listen to music. I've listened to a **** ton of new music and I've enjoyed it. That whole Death catalog only took me, like what? Two days? Cleaned up my room, bathroom, etc. Went to the grocery store and actually ate meals rather than gorging myself on junk food at night. It's been a better time than usual. I wasn't constantly dwelling on everything that bothers me. I'd like to keep moving in that direction rather than convince myself I'm complacent as is.
Edit: I know that I can't ever escape depression. I'm bipolar, I have PTSD it's encoded into my DNA, hard wired into my brain. It's inevitable. I just don't want to dwell in it or let it consume me over and over again especially over this idea that that's just who I am.
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Lucem, you're right, it's silly to talk about what I would or wouldn't do IRL. Glad you brought it up. Maybe you should write an instrumental about it. I recommend a piano paired with a clarinet. With ambient sounds of you hanging from your shower curtain you ****ing failure.
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Art Is Dead. Buy My ****.
Last edited by Lucem Ferre; 11-10-2018 at 08:00 PM.
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