Quote:
Originally Posted by Lucem Ferre
I'd be willing to accept that as an answer if I were happy as is. I'm not though. I'm not going to convince myself to embrace it and be okay with it when I'm not. I know you don't just wake up one day a changed person. It takes time and effort to change. You have to break yourself out of the cycle that you don't want to be in. I don't want to be here. I don't want to quit trying to change based on the defeated attitude that I can never change. I just don't know how to pull myself out.
I made one small change that drastically helped during the past few weeks even when I see myself sinking back into the same insecurity and self loathing that consumed me at the beginning of October. Rather than sitting around staring at my phone or pointlessly scrolling through MB in a mad anxiety ridden fever I'd force myself to listen to music. I've listened to a **** ton of new music and I've enjoyed it. That whole Death catalog only took me, like what? Two days? Cleaned up my room, bathroom, etc. Went to the grocery store and actually ate meals rather than gorging myself on junk food at night. It's been a better time than usual. I wasn't constantly dwelling on everything that bothers me. I'd like to keep moving in that direction rather than convince myself I'm complacent as is.
Edit: I know that I can't ever escape depression. I'm bipolar, I have PTSD it's encoded into my DNA, hard wired into my brain. It's inevitable. I just don't want to dwell in it or let it consume me over and over again especially over this idea that that's just who I am.
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By all means, focus who you are into something that is meaningful to you, but just remember that you are who you are and always will be. The fantasy that you can be someone who will be "happy" is ever present and inevitable, not even just in you but in everybody, but in you it isn't just a goal but a desperate hope that will destroy you if you can't temper that hope with reasonable expectation. You can be somebody who you respect and are to some extent satisfied with, but everyone has an unrealistic ideal of who they can be, the difference is that the distance between you and that person is far greater and more unrealistic than most and so it can be far more destructive if you don't take a step back and just accept that you're a lazy depressive and always will be.