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Originally Posted by 66Sexy
Yeah, but from what I hear from you I think you're parroting what you think sounds logical and hoping beyond hope that some person who read about the DSM in a book is going to have answers for you. Medication can be helpful, and saying how you feel out loud can be cathartic and even give you perspective, but in the grand scheme of things it means dick. You are who you are and you will always be that. But you can still channel that into something that is meaningful and helpful. However I don't think you'll be able to do that by trying to emulate societal cliches about "taking responsibility for yourself". If it were that easy everyone would do it.
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Taking responsibility for yourself isn't actually that easy. It sounds simple, but in the end it's the hardest thing to do. Maybe that's why you have such a huge vendetta against that rhetoric.
I stopped seeing my therapist. ****'s expensive and my insurance doesn't cover it. The point was never to be given some kind of answer. I didn't just go to her and recycle what she told me. It's to resolve what I've never resolved because I've never trusted anybody enough to talk about these things. Maybe that's something you don't understand. It's made a bigger difference than you'd ever know or acknowledge. It's something I put off and made excuses not to do for years despite knowing how desperately I needed it. I never disillusioned myself into believing that there is an easy answer to all of my problems. I just hoped that it helped.
Dude, I'm not Chula. I don't share every detail for you to dissect. You get little pieces. Like, you knew I spent that week where I was acting over sensitive and insecure, but you didn't know that I almost got fired because I didn't leave my bed that whole week because I couldn't muster the enthusiasm to do so. You may know that my last therapy session I made my therapist cry, but you don't know how. That the weight of the trauma I faced (that made her cry) finally hitting me is what put me in bed for a week. Or that the Friday prior I started cutting myself with a scraper at work. Or that when we did that live stream I hadn't eaten for two weeks straight. I just stayed in bed because I couldn't muster up the energy to even feed myself. Or that a few weeks prior I watched one of my only role models who took me in when I had no where else to go succumb to cancer. Or how long I've made that same excuse of this is who I am and I'll never change. I'll reiterate that perhaps we're just experiencing two different kinds of problems and you just don't relate to or understand my conundrum. Or maybe you do and you just don't like admitting how much you're responsible for where your life is. I don't know, all I can do is assume.